Hating the other
Sometimes we think kids from the other class, the other team or another country are worse. Let's find out that we can all be on the same team!
The kids from the other school, the other team's fans, people from another country. We all have a "them." This route teaches you to see the person behind the group, without stopping being on your team.
Outsiders, the other team's fans, people who vote differently. This route doesn't ask you to agree with everyone: it teaches you to see the person behind the group.
Lessons start at age 6. If you care for a younger child, here are ideas to plant this now, in everyday routines.
Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.
Based on cited studies. Not yet reviewed by an outside professional.It starts before age 6
- Make their “us” big from the start: neighbors, different kinds of families, people from other countries.
- Watch how you talk about others in front of them, the rival team included. Babies pick up the tone before the words.
- This is when “my people” and “the others” starts. Show them what they share: “That boy has a dog too, just like you”.
- At soccer or at games, cheer the other team’s good plays too.
It is normal: Preferring to play with kids who are like them, or saying “I don’t want to play with him”. It’s a preference that can grow wider, not hate.
Source: Bigler, R. S., & Liben, L. S. (2007). Developmental intergroup theory: Explaining and reducing children’s social stereotyping and prejudice. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 16(3). This does not replace a pediatrician: if anything about their development worries you, ask.
A story to read together
To read with an adult and talk about afterward.
- The Sneetches
Some have a star on their belly and some don't. A funny story about how silly it is to look down on others.
View on Open LibraryRead it with an adult
Thinking "the others" are bad just because they're from another group.
You feel like teasing them or not letting them play.
More friends and a break time where everyone plays together!
Looking down on a whole group for being from another country, another neighborhood or another team.
Chants, memes and jokes against "them," and a group that keeps getting harsher.
Friends where you didn't expect them, and the freedom of not hating anyone over a team shirt.
Turning a whole group into an enemy: because of their country, their team shirt, their neighborhood or their vote.
You say "those people," share things that paint them as a threat, and repeat what you learned at home.
Less anger, more neighbors, and children who don't inherit the hate.
Ten lessons, in order
Each one takes about 15 minutes (about 8 in the kids' version, done with an adult). We mark the next one for you, but they are all open.
- 10 short lessons
- Simulators to rehearse
- 7-day practice
- A badge at the end
- Songs for the road
- Books to read on
- Ideas for families, even before age 6
- Up nextThe mirror 🪞Does this happen to me?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe little team's tricks 🎭How do I notice?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhy do we do it? 🤔Why does it happen?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhen the little team wins 🌧️What happens if I don't notice?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe compass 🧭What does someone who does it differently look like?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextMake the team bigger 🤝How do I do it?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextAll together 🏠How do we make it even bigger?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTricky situations 💪What do I do if this happens to me?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextMy superhero plan 🦸What am I going to do?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYou made it! 🏅What changed?10 min · ✓ Done
- 7-day practiceOptional, after lesson 10. Each day is a 15 to 30 minute experiment in three parts: you get ready, you do it, and you look at what happened.
- Up nextThe mirrorDoes this happen to me?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it looks likeHow do I recognize it?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhere it comes fromWhy is it so easy?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it costsWhat do I lose if I keep going like this?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe compassWhat does someone who does it differently look like?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools for the momentWhat do I do when «them» shows up?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools for bringing people closerHow does «us» get bigger?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextHard situationsWhat do I do if this happens to me?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYour planWhat am I going to do?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe closeWhat changed?12 min · ✓ Done
- 7-day practiceOptional, after lesson 10. Each day is a 15 to 30 minute experiment in three parts: you get ready, you do it, and you look at what happened.
- Up nextThe mirrorDoes this happen to me?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it looks likeHow do I recognize it?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhere it comes fromWhy is it so easy?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it costsWhat do I lose if I keep going like this?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe compassWhat does someone who does it differently look like?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools for the momentWhat do I do when «them» shows up?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools for bringing people closerHow does «us» get bigger?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextHard situationsWhat do I do if this happens to me?20 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYour planWhat am I going to do?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe closeWhat changed?15 min · ✓ Done
- 7-day practiceOptional, after lesson 10. Each day is a 15 to 30 minute experiment in three parts: you get ready, you do it, and you look at what happened.
The image only has the badge, the route name and a quote. Nothing you wrote.
Songs that go with this route
Chosen by the person who wrote this route. Play them whenever you want to remember what you learned.
- People Are PeopleDepeche Mode
People are people. Why should we hate each other just for being different?
Songs that go with this route
Chosen by the person who wrote this route. Play them whenever you want to remember what you learned.
- People Are PeopleDepeche Mode
People are people. Why should we hate each other just for being different?
A story to read together
To read with an adult and talk about afterward.
- The Sneetches
Some have a star on their belly and some don't. A funny story about how silly it is to look down on others.
View on Open LibraryRead it with an adult
Books to go deeper
If this route left you wanting more, these books go the same way.
- The Wave
A classroom experiment gets out of hand. It shows how fast a group starts to hate outsiders.
View on Open Library
Books to go deeper
If this route left you wanting more, these books go the same way.
- Behave
A scientist explains why the brain splits people into “us” and “them” so fast, and what makes that line move. No politics, lots of humor.
View on Open Library
How to talk about this at home and in class
What teaches the most
- That they hear you shout for your team, not against the other.
- That they see you say hello, by name, to the neighbor who came from abroad.
- That they hear you say something good about "the others."
Phrases that help
Dinner game
The what-we-have-in-common game: pick a group people talk badly about at home or at school, and everyone says something they have in common with those people. Whoever finds the most surprising thing wins.
With teenagers
Ask them what gets chanted at the stadium or what memes go around their class, without being shocked. If they notice a group getting violent, help them get out without looking like cowards: "Tell them your parents won't let you." And check what you say in front of the match: they learned it from someone.
Before age 6
Routes start at age 6, but this is planted earlier. Ideas for everyday routines, no special sessions.
- Make their “us” big from the start: neighbors, different kinds of families, people from other countries.
- Watch how you talk about others in front of them, the rival team included. Babies pick up the tone before the words.
- This is when “my people” and “the others” starts. Show them what they share: “That boy has a dog too, just like you”.
- At soccer or at games, cheer the other team’s good plays too.
It is normal: Preferring to play with kids who are like them, or saying “I don’t want to play with him”. It’s a preference that can grow wider, not hate.
Source: Bigler, R. S., & Liben, L. S. (2007). Developmental intergroup theory: Explaining and reducing children’s social stereotyping and prejudice. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 16(3). This does not replace a pediatrician: if anything about their development worries you, ask.