Practicing empathy
Sometimes someone next to us is sad and we don't notice. Let's learn to notice, ask and keep them company!
A friend tells you something hard and you answer with advice, a joke or an emoji. This route teaches you to really listen: ask, keep them company and be there.
Someone tells you something hard and you answer with advice, an "it's not a big deal" or a story of your own. This route teaches you to notice, ask, listen and be there, without drowning.
Lessons start at age 6. If you care for a younger child, here are ideas to plant this now, in everyday routines.
Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.
Based on cited studies. Not yet reviewed by an outside professional.It starts before age 6
- Name what they feel: “You’re angry because the tower fell”.
- When they look for you or babble at you, answer. That back-and-forth is their first conversation, and the root of empathy.
- With picture books, ask: “How do you think they feel?”.
- If they hurt another child, besides saying sorry, have them look at the other face: “Look, they’re crying. What can we do?”.
- Let them see you comfort others: grandma, a friend, a kid who fell at the park.
It is normal: At 2, not sharing and not understanding that the other child is hurt. That gets learned between 3 and 5.
Source: Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University. Serve and return. This does not replace a pediatrician: if anything about their development worries you, ask.
A story to read together
To read with an adult and talk about afterward.
- The Color Monster
Giving a name and a color to each feeling. First your own, then other people's.
View on Open LibraryRead it with an adult
Noticing how someone else feels and keeping them company.
When someone keeps you company, sadness gets smaller.
Friends who trust you and a place where nobody is sad alone!
Noticing what someone else feels, asking them and being there, without guessing.
When it's missing: advice nobody asked for, "it's not a big deal," talking about yourself and answering with emojis.
Friends who trust you, and someone who listens to you too when you need it.
Understanding what someone else feels and being there, without guessing and without carrying it all.
When it's missing: advice nobody asked for, "it's not a big deal," "something worse happened to me," your phone in your hand.
Children and a partner who tell you things, and more strength to be there without burning out.
Ten lessons, in order
Each one takes about 15 minutes (about 8 in the kids' version, done with an adult). We mark the next one for you, but they are all open.
- 10 short lessons
- Simulators to rehearse
- 7-day practice
- A badge at the end
- Songs for the road
- Books to read on
- Ideas for families, even before age 6
- Up nextThe mirror 🪞Does this happen to me?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe tricks that switch antennas off 🎭How do I notice?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhy do they switch off? 🤔Why don't I always notice?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhen antennas switch off 🌧️What happens if I don't notice?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe compass 🧭What does someone who does it differently look like?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextSwitch your antennas on 📡What do I do when someone is sad?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextCaring for others, and for yourself 🤝What do I do with what people tell me?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTricky situations 💪What do I do if this happens to me?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextMy superhero plan 🦸What am I going to do?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYou made it! 🏅What changed?10 min · ✓ Done
- 7-day practiceOptional, after lesson 10. Each day is a 15 to 30 minute experiment in three parts: you get ready, you do it, and you look at what happened.
- Up nextThe mirrorDoes this happen to me?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it looks likeHow do I recognize it?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhere it comes fromWhy don't I always notice?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it costsWhat do I lose if I don't notice?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe compassWhat does someone who does it differently look like?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools for the momentWhat do I do when someone is struggling?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools for caringHow do I stay with someone without sinking?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextHard situationsWhat do I do if this happens to me?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYour planWhat am I going to do?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe closeWhat changed?12 min · ✓ Done
- 7-day practiceOptional, after lesson 10. Each day is a 15 to 30 minute experiment in three parts: you get ready, you do it, and you look at what happened.
- Up nextThe mirrorDoes this happen to me?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it looks likeHow do I recognize it?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhere it comes fromWhy doesn't it always come out?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it costsWhat do I lose if I don't practice it?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe compassWhat does someone who does it differently look like?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools for the momentWhat do I do when someone is struggling?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools for caringHow do I stay with someone without drowning?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextHard situationsWhat do I do if this happens to me?20 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYour planWhat am I going to do?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe closeWhat changed?15 min · ✓ Done
- 7-day practiceOptional, after lesson 10. Each day is a 15 to 30 minute experiment in three parts: you get ready, you do it, and you look at what happened.
The image only has the badge, the route name and a quote. Nothing you wrote.
Songs that go with this route
Chosen by the person who wrote this route. Play them whenever you want to remember what you learned.
- Lean on MeBill Withers
We all have hard days. Let people lean on you, and let yourself lean on them.
- Everybody HurtsR.E.M.
Written for anyone who feels alone in their pain: hold on, you are not alone.
Songs that go with this route
Chosen by the person who wrote this route. Play them whenever you want to remember what you learned.
- Count on MeBruno Mars
A friend who shows up when you're lost or can't sleep. That is being there.
- Lean on MeBill Withers
We all have hard days. Let people lean on you, and let yourself lean on them.
A story to read together
To read with an adult and talk about afterward.
- The Color Monster
Giving a name and a color to each feeling. First your own, then other people's.
View on Open LibraryRead it with an adult
Books to go deeper
If this route left you wanting more, these books go the same way.
- The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Told by Christopher, an autistic teen. You see the world through his eyes and get things that looked odd from outside.
View on Open Library
Books to go deeper
If this route left you wanting more, these books go the same way.
- Nonviolent Communication
How to hear what the other person feels and needs, even when they speak in anger.
View on Open Library
How to talk about this at home and in class
What teaches the most
- That they see you put your phone down when they talk to you.
- That they hear you ask "what do you need?"
- That they see you cry and ask for help when you need it.
Phrases that help
Dinner game
The faces game: one person makes a face (happy, sad, angry, scared, embarrassed) and the others guess the feeling. Then each one tells about a time they felt that way.
With teenagers
Don't wait for them to tell you: ask twice, in the car or on a walk, which is easier than face to face. If they tell you something, ask whether they want ideas or want you to just listen. And tell them clearly that if a friend is really not okay, telling you isn't betraying them.
Before age 6
Routes start at age 6, but this is planted earlier. Ideas for everyday routines, no special sessions.
- Name what they feel: “You’re angry because the tower fell”.
- When they look for you or babble at you, answer. That back-and-forth is their first conversation, and the root of empathy.
- With picture books, ask: “How do you think they feel?”.
- If they hurt another child, besides saying sorry, have them look at the other face: “Look, they’re crying. What can we do?”.
- Let them see you comfort others: grandma, a friend, a kid who fell at the park.
It is normal: At 2, not sharing and not understanding that the other child is hurt. That gets learned between 3 and 5.
Source: Center on the Developing Child, Harvard University. Serve and return. This does not replace a pediatrician: if anything about their development worries you, ask.