The ego
Do you ever want to win every time, even if the other kid ends up sad? Today we're going to talk about that.
That “me, me, me” that kicks in when someone beats you, ignores you or gets more likes than you.
That voice that wants to be right, to be seen and never to give in. The goal isn't to destroy it, but to stop obeying it.
Lessons start at age 6. If you care for a younger child, here are ideas to plant this now, in everyday routines.
Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.
Based on cited studies. Not yet reviewed by an outside professional.It starts before age 6
- Praise what they do, not what they are: “You tried again!” instead of “You’re so smart!”.
- Take turns: you add a block, then they add one. Waiting is their first lesson in not always being the center.
- In board games, let them see you lose cheerfully: “You beat me, great game!”. And let them lose sometimes.
- When they make a mistake, no drama, just repair: “The juice spilled. Will you help me clean up?”.
- Say sorry when you get it wrong with them. They learn that owning a mistake is not losing.
It is normal: Between 2 and 4, everything revolves around them: “mine!”, “me first!”, meltdowns when they lose. It’s a stage, not ego.
Source: Gunderson, E. A., et al. (2013). Parent praise to 1- to 3-year-olds predicts children’s motivational frameworks 5 years later. Child Development, 84(5). This does not replace a pediatrician: if anything about their development worries you, ask.
A story to read together
To read with an adult and talk about afterward.
- The Rainbow Fish
The most dazzling fish in the sea finds out that sharing is worth more than being the prettiest.
View on Open LibraryRead it with an adult
A little voice that says “me first”, “I win”, “I'm right”.
You get really mad when you lose or when someone else gets a prize.
More friends, more fun games and a calm heart.
The part of you that always wants to look good, in front of everyone and online.
It stings when someone else stands out, you delete posts that didn't get likes, you can't stand losing an argument.
Realer friendships and the freedom of not having to pretend.
The part of you that needs to be right, to be recognized and to never look bad. We all have it.
Heat in your chest when you're corrected, the urge to interrupt, the need to have the last word.
Calmer relationships, fewer pointless arguments and a peace that doesn't depend on winning.
Ten lessons, in order
Each one takes about 15 minutes (about 8 in the kids' version, done with an adult). We mark the next one for you, but they are all open.
- 10 short lessons
- Simulators to rehearse
- 7-day practice
- A badge at the end
- Songs for the road
- Books to read on
- Ideas for families, even before age 6
- Up nextThe mirror 🪞Do I have a bossy little voice?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextIts disguises 🎭How do I recognize it?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhy does it shout? 🤔Where does the little voice come from?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextIf it's always the boss 🌧️What happens if the little voice wins every day?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe compass 🧭What is someone like who's the boss of their little voice?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYour tricks 🚦What do I do when it shows up?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextSorry in three steps 🤝How do I fix what happened?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTricky situations 💪What do I do if this happens?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextMy superhero plan 🦸What am I going to do?8 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYou made it! 🏅What changed?8 min · ✓ Done
- 7-day practiceOptional, after lesson 10. Each day is a 15 to 30 minute experiment in three parts: you get ready, you do it, and you look at what happened.
- Up nextThe mirrorDoes this happen to me?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it looks likeHow do I recognize it?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhere it comes fromWhy does it happen to all of us?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it costsWhat do I lose if I don't change?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe compassWhat does someone who does it differently look like?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools for the momentWhat do I do when it shows up?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools to repairHow do I fix what already happened?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextDifficult situationsWhat do I do if this happens to me?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYour planWhat am I going to do?10 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe closeWhat changed?12 min · ✓ Done
- 7-day practiceOptional, after lesson 10. Each day is a 15 to 30 minute experiment in three parts: you get ready, you do it, and you look at what happened.
- Up nextThe mirrorDoes this happen to me?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it looks likeHow do I recognize it?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhere it comes fromWhy does it happen to all of us?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextWhat it costsWhat do I lose if I don't change?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe compassWhat does someone who does it differently look like?12 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools for the momentWhat do I do when it shows up?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextTools to repairHow do I fix what already happened?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextDifficult situationsWhat do I do if this happens to me?20 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextYour planWhat am I going to do?15 min · ✓ Done
- Up nextThe closeWhat changed?15 min · ✓ Done
- 7-day practiceOptional, after lesson 10. Each day is a 15 to 30 minute experiment in three parts: you get ready, you do it, and you look at what happened.
The image only has the badge, the route name and a quote. Nothing you wrote.
Songs that go with this route
Chosen by the person who wrote this route. Play them whenever you want to remember what you learned.
- Man in the MirrorMichael Jackson
Change starts with the person in the mirror, not with pointing at everyone else.
Songs that go with this route
Chosen by the person who wrote this route. Play them whenever you want to remember what you learned.
- Man in the MirrorMichael Jackson
Change starts with the person in the mirror, not with pointing at everyone else.
A story to read together
To read with an adult and talk about afterward.
- The Rainbow Fish
The most dazzling fish in the sea finds out that sharing is worth more than being the prettiest.
View on Open LibraryRead it with an adult
Books to go deeper
If this route left you wanting more, these books go the same way.
- The Little Prince
A king who rules over no one and a conceited man who only wants applause: the ego, seen from outside.
View on Open Library
Books to go deeper
If this route left you wanting more, these books go the same way.
- Ego Is the Enemy
True stories of talented people held back by needing to win, and how they let go.
View on Open Library
How to talk about this at home and in class
What teaches the most
- Let them see you apologize, to them too.
- Let them see you congratulate others without comparing.
- Let them see you lose a game with good humor.
Phrases that help
Dinner game
Everyone shares something good another family member did that day. Nobody can talk about themselves.
With teenagers
Fewer lectures, more questions: “How did you feel when…?”. Listen without correcting right away. That's how you also teach them to listen.
Before age 6
Routes start at age 6, but this is planted earlier. Ideas for everyday routines, no special sessions.
- Praise what they do, not what they are: “You tried again!” instead of “You’re so smart!”.
- Take turns: you add a block, then they add one. Waiting is their first lesson in not always being the center.
- In board games, let them see you lose cheerfully: “You beat me, great game!”. And let them lose sometimes.
- When they make a mistake, no drama, just repair: “The juice spilled. Will you help me clean up?”.
- Say sorry when you get it wrong with them. They learn that owning a mistake is not losing.
It is normal: Between 2 and 4, everything revolves around them: “mine!”, “me first!”, meltdowns when they lose. It’s a stage, not ego.
Source: Gunderson, E. A., et al. (2013). Parent praise to 1- to 3-year-olds predicts children’s motivational frameworks 5 years later. Child Development, 84(5). This does not replace a pediatrician: if anything about their development worries you, ask.