The mirror 🪞
Do I have a bossy little voice? · 8 min
The mirror
Does this happen to me? · 10 min
The mirror
Does this happen to me? · 15 min
Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.
Have you ever lost a game and felt really, really mad?
It happens to all of us. Even grown-ups.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
We all have a bossy little voice inside. It says things like:
- “Me first!”
- “I won!”
- “I'm right!”
- “It wasn't my fault!”
It isn't bad. But sometimes it bosses us around too much. Today we're going to see how bossy yours is.
Your mirror
The adult reads each sentence out loud and the child chooses.
Lía is playing a board game with her grandma Tita. Lía is losing. She rolls the dice. She gets a one.
“These dice are broken!” she says. “It doesn't count!”
Tita looks at her and smiles. “Was it the dice, or was it the little voice?”
Draw your little voice ✏️
Draw what you imagine your bossy little voice looks like. Is it big or small? What color is it? What does it shout?
Then give it a name. Lía called hers “Lady Me-First”.
Today you're a detective 🔍. When you hear your little voice, say in your head: “I see you.”
When was the last time your little voice shouted?
The little voice wears disguises. Let's find them!
Finish and go to lesson 2 →When was the last time you told someone “you're right”? No “but”, no “well, you too”.
If you can't remember, that's okay. It happens to almost everyone, at any age.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
We all have a voice that doesn't want to lose: it wants to be right, look good, have people notice what it does and never be laughed at. That voice is the ego.
Having it isn't bad. The problem starts when it decides for you: when you can't let go of an argument in the chat, when it makes you mad that someone else gets praised, or when you'd rather lose a friend than say “I was wrong”.
Before the mirror
Almost all of us think we're better than average. That can't be true for everyone. (Zell et al., 2020) So answer thinking about what you did this week, not how you'd like to be.
Your mirror
“That goal was in the 89th minute,” says Dani.
“It was the 90th,” Teo replies.
Dani says no. Teo finds the video and shoves it in his face: “See? 90.”
Dani shrugs and goes off with the others. Teo was right. And what did he win?
The map of your fights
Step 1 · Remember three recent fights or bits of friction: at home, with a friend, in the chat, at school, in an online game.
Step 2 · For each one, answer. If you don't want to write, just choose.
Step 3 · Does anything repeat? The same person, the same topic, the same ending.
Step 4 · Finish the sentence.
If in any relationship there's fear, threats, hitting or someone hurting you, that's not about ego. Talk to an adult you trust. At the end of this page you'll find who to turn to.
Notice just one time when you want to have the last word. You don't have to change anything. Just notice.
What surprised you about your mirror or your map?
The ego almost never shouts “I'm the best”. It wears disguises, even jokes. In the next lesson you'll discover its disguises, and which ones you use.
Finish and go to lesson 2 →Sources for this lesson
- Zell, E., Strickhouser, J. E., Sedikides, C. & Alicke, M. D. (2020). The better-than-average effect in comparative self-evaluation: A comprehensive review and meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 146(2), 118–149. View source: Zell, E., Strickhouser, J. E., Sedikides, C. & Alicke, M. D. (2020). The better-than-average effect in comparative self-evaluation: A comprehensive review and meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 146(2), 118–149.
When was the last time you told someone “you're right”?
No “but”. No “although you also…”. Just “you're right”.
If it's hard to remember, don't worry. It happens to almost all of us. That's what this route is about.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Ego isn't loving yourself too much
When we say someone “has a big ego”, we picture someone who thinks they're the best. But the ego almost never looks like that.
The ego is the part of you that needs to win to feel good. It needs to be right. It needs to look good. It needs people to notice what you do. And it can't stand losing.
Having one isn't bad. We all have one, and sometimes it protects us. The problem starts when it grabs the wheel and decides for you.
Where it shows up
There are six moments when the ego tends to show up:
- When you're corrected.
- When you need to apologize.
- When the other person is talking.
- When someone else gets the credit.
- When you do something for others.
- When you have to choose between being right and being at peace.
A warning before the mirror
Almost all of us see ourselves as better than we are. In studies with hundreds of thousands of people, most rate themselves as fairer, more honest and better than average. That can't be true for everyone. (Zell et al., 2020)
It's not lying. The ego also gets into how we see ourselves.
So in the mirror that's coming, don't answer thinking about how you'd like to be. Answer thinking about what you did this past week.
Your mirror
Mara and Sam are having dinner with Lía. They're talking about a movie.
“That came out in 2018,” says Sam.
“No, it was 2019,” Mara replies.
“I think it was 2018.”
Mara puts down her fork, takes out her phone and searches.
“See? 2019.”
“Okay,” says Sam.
Sam keeps eating without a word. Lía looks at them both. Nobody picks the conversation back up.
Mara won. She was right. And what did she win?
The ego doesn't only show up in big fights. It shows up at a Tuesday dinner, over a date nobody cares about. And it almost always takes something small: a silence, a conversation that dies out, a girl who learns that the dinner table is a competition.
The map of your arguments
Find a quiet place.
Step 1 · Remember. Think of the last three arguments or bits of friction you had. Big or small: with your partner, at work, with a relative, in a chat, on the street.
Step 2 · Write. For each one, answer:
Step 3 · Look at all three together. Does anything repeat? It could be the same person, the same topic, the same time of day or the same ending.
Step 4 · Finish the sentence.
You'll see it again in lesson 9, when you build your plan.
If while making this map you realize that in some relationship there's fear, frequent yelling or violence, that's no longer just about ego. Get help: at the end of this page you'll find who to turn to.
Notice just one time when you want to have the last word.
You don't have to change anything. Just notice. What did you feel in your body? What were you going to say? Did you say it?
What surprised you more: what your mirror showed, or what your map showed?
The ego almost never shouts “I'm the best”. It wears disguises. Sometimes it's the victim, sometimes it's silence, and sometimes it's even humility.
In the next lesson you'll meet its eight disguises. And you'll find out which ones are yours.
Finish and go to lesson 2 →Sources for this lesson
- Zell, E., Strickhouser, J. E., Sedikides, C. & Alicke, M. D. (2020). The better-than-average effect in comparative self-evaluation: A comprehensive review and meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 146(2), 118–149. View source: Zell, E., Strickhouser, J. E., Sedikides, C. & Alicke, M. D. (2020). The better-than-average effect in comparative self-evaluation: A comprehensive review and meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 146(2), 118–149.
Lesson 1 of 10.
Great start.
To take with youToday you're a detective 🔍. When you hear your little voice, say in your head: “I see you.”
To take with youNotice just one time when you want to have the last word. You don't have to change anything. Just notice.
To take with youNotice just one time when you want to have the last word.
What you write and your progress are saved only on this device. When you finish the lesson we add 1 to the total, without knowing who you are.