If it's always the boss 🌧️
What happens if the little voice wins every day? · 8 min
What it costs
What do I lose if I don't change? · 12 min
What it costs
What do I lose if I don't change? · 15 min
Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.
Changing the rules once seems like a small thing. What if it happens every day?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Lía's story
Case 1Lía's game
Lía is losing the game.
Illustrative case. The characters and events are made up. The pattern is based on evidence.
Where would you have changed course? Pick the panel where you would have done something different.
- One recess
Lía is losing the game. She says it doesn't count and changes the rules so she can win.
What could have been done here
Keep playing and, at the end, say: "Good game!"
- A week later
Lía always wants to go first, pick the game and win. If she loses, she gets mad and says the game is dumb.
What could have been done here
Let someone else pick the game today.
- A month later
The other kids start playing without Lía. When she comes over, they tell her they already have enough players.
What could have been done here
Go over and say: "Sorry for changing the rules. Can I play?"
- End of the year
Lía spends recess alone. She doesn't care about winning anymore. What she wants is to be invited.
What could have been done here
She still can. Say sorry and play nicely one day, and the next, and the next.
Any moment was a good moment to change course, even the last one. The best one is today.
The cost: Her recess friends.
What the data says: Even babies a year and a half old help other people without anyone asking them to. Being a good friend is part of you too. Source: Warneken, F. and Tomasello, M. (2006). Altruistic helping in human infants and young chimpanzees. Science, 311(5765), 1301–1303.
Today: In your next game, win or lose, say: "Good game!"
When the little voice wins, sometimes we lose something more important: our friends.
The scale ⚖️
On one side, “winning the game”. On the other, “my friends wanting to play with me”. Which one weighs more?
When you play, let someone else choose the game.
Has the little voice ever made you lose a friend, even for a little while?
The story of a man who could have been the most important and chose to help instead.
Finish and go to lesson 5 →“It was a joke, don't be so dramatic.” A few words. They can cost a lot.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
The timeline
Case 1The screenshot
Dani sends Teo a private message saying he likes someone in their class.
Illustrative case. The characters and events are made up. The pattern is based on evidence.
Where would you have changed course? Pick the panel where you would have done something different.
- Friday night
Dani sends Teo a private message saying he likes someone in their class. Teo thinks it's funny and sends the screenshot to the friend group "just to mess around."
What could have been done here
Not sending it. A private message is a secret someone trusted you with.
- Monday
The whole class knows. Dani asks Teo to delete the screenshot. Teo answers: "It was a joke, don't be so dramatic."
What could have been done here
"You're right. I went too far. I'll delete it and ask the group to delete it." It was still easy.
- A month later
Dani left the group chat and now eats lunch alone. Some say Teo "went too far," but nobody says it out loud. Teo convinces himself Dani overreacted.
What could have been done here
Teo could find Dani and apologize for real, in person: say what he did, that it was wrong, and what he can do.
- End of the school year
Dani joined another group and he's fine. Teo lost his best friend since elementary school. On top of that, the class now sees him as someone you can't count on.
What could have been done here
It's never too late for an apology. The friendship might not be the same, but apologizing helps both of them heal.
Any moment was a good moment to change course, even the last one. The best one is today.
The cost: A best friend of many years and the class's trust, for a ten-second joke.
What the data says: In a Pew Research Center survey in the United States, 46% of teens ages 13 to 17 said they had experienced at least one form of online harassment. The most common: being called offensive names (32%) and having false rumors spread about them (22%). Source: Vogels, E. A. (2022). Teens and Cyberbullying 2022. Pew Research Center.
Today: Before forwarding something of someone else's, ask yourself: "Would they want everyone to see this?"
The ego almost never destroys something in one blow. It wears it down: a joke, an excuse, a “don't be so dramatic”. Until one day there's nothing left to defend.
And the hardest part: almost always, the one who loses everything thinks they were right.
The tally
Step 1 · Think of a friendship or relationship the ego has damaged.
Step 2 · Make the two columns.
Step 3 · If that person left your life tomorrow, what would you wish you had told them?
Step 4 · One small action for this week.
Tell someone “you were right about this”, with no “but”.
How did they react? How did you feel?
A very old story about someone who could have been king and didn't want to be.
Finish and go to lesson 5 →Ten seconds.
That's how long it takes to say “you're right, I forgot, I'll pay it now”.
Now you'll see what not saying it can cost.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
The timeline
Case 1Keeping score
Mara tells Sam he forgot to pay the electricity bill.
Illustrative case. The characters and events are made up. The pattern is based on evidence.
Where would you have changed course? Pick the panel where you would have done something different.
- Day 1
Mara tells Sam he forgot to pay the electricity bill. She's right. Sam replies: "What about you? Already forgot about the dentist?" They argue for ten minutes about who forgets more.
What could have been done here
"You're right, I missed it. I'll pay it now." Ten seconds, and the argument would never have happened.
- Three months later
It no longer takes a big mistake. Every comment gets answered with another one. Both keep a mental list of what the other has done wrong. Lía starts going to her room when voices rise.
What could have been done here
One of them could say: "We're keeping score. Can we stop?" Just noticing the pattern changes something.
- One year later
They hardly argue anymore, because they hardly talk. Each avoids the topics that could end in a fight, and that's almost all of them. They share a house, but not a life.
What could have been done here
A conversation with no winner or loser: "I miss you. I don't want us to keep going like this." Many couples seek help from a professional at this point, and it helps.
- Three years later
Teo and Lía argue just like their parents: nobody gives in, everybody keeps score. Sam and Mara recognize themselves in their kids, and they don't like what they see.
What could have been done here
It's still possible. Kids seeing their parents say "I was wrong" and "You're right" is the best way to teach them to do it.
Any moment was a good moment to change course, even the last one. The best one is today.
The cost: Years of distance in a relationship that began with love, and kids who learned that a mistake is defended by attacking.
What the data says: In his studies of couples, psychologist John Gottman found that defensiveness, answering a complaint with another complaint instead of listening to it, was one of the four behaviors that best predicted separation. Source: Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum.
Today: Think of someone you keep score with. Next time they're right about something small, tell them so, with no "but".
What couples research says
Psychologist John Gottman spent decades studying how couples argue. He found four behaviors strongly linked to breaking up: criticizing the person (not what they did), contempt, getting defensive and shutting down like a wall. (Gottman & Levenson, 2000)
Getting defensive is exactly what Sam did: answering a complaint with another complaint. The antidote is simple and hard at the same time: own your part, even if it's only part.
Not just in couples
The same thing happens at work. In another shipwreck, Mara becomes a manager and gets defensive every time someone questions her. Her team learns to stay quiet. Months later, a mistake nobody dared to point out sinks the project.
The ego almost never destroys something in one blow. It wears it down, comment by comment, until one day there's nothing left to defend.
The tally
Step 1 · Choose a relationship where the ego has already taken something. It could be your partner, a sibling, a friend, your dad, your mom, someone at work.
Step 2 · Make the two columns.
Step 3 · A hard question. If you knew this person wouldn't be in your life a year from now, what would you do differently this week?
It's not to scare you. It's to look at what really matters. Life goes by fast, and so do people.
Step 4 · One single action. Write one small thing you could do with this person. It doesn't have to fix everything. Just change course a little.
Tell someone “you were right about this”. No “but”. It can be something small: a recipe, a route, an opinion about a movie.
How did the person react when you told them they were right? How did you feel?
So far you've seen what the ego looks like, where it comes from and what it costs.
In the next lesson you'll see the opposite: how someone acts who doesn't need to win. It's one of the oldest stories we know, and it's still one of the most surprising.
Finish and go to lesson 5 →Sources for this lesson
- Gottman, J. M. & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745. View source: Gottman, J. M. & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745.
Lesson 4 of 10.
You're doing well.
To take with youWhen you play, let someone else choose the game.
To take with youTell someone “you were right about this”, with no “but”.
To take with youTell someone “you were right about this”. No “but”. It can be something small: a recipe, a route, an opinion about a movie.
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