Your tricks 🚦
What do I do when it shows up? · 8 min
Tools for the moment
What do I do when it shows up? · 12 min
Tools for the moment
What do I do when it shows up? · 15 min
Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.
Did you know you can talk to your little voice?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
The traffic light
- 🛑 Red: stop. When you feel heat in your face or want to shout, stop. Breathe as if you were blowing up a balloon, three times.
- 🟡 Yellow: talk to yourself by name. “Lía, what's going on?” That's how you talk to the little voice, and it calms down.
- 🟢 Green: listen. Repeat what the other person said: “Did you say that…?”
The balloon. Blow up three balloons together with the circle.
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
You're playing with your brother. You think it's your turn.
Your brother: «It's my turn!»
“No! It's my turn!” and you grab the game.
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. 😣 Your brother cries. The game is over.
You breathe. “Why do you think it's your turn?”
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. 🙂 “Because you went twice.” “Oh, okay, you go.” You keep playing!
Practice the traffic light
The adult says a situation (“You lost!”, “Your turn to tidy up!”) and the child does the traffic light: stop, breathe, say their own name and answer.
Use the traffic light once.
Which color of the traffic light is hardest for you?
What do you do when the little voice already won and you did something you didn't want to?
Finish and go to lesson 7 →Between what someone says to you and what you answer, there's half a second. Let's make it bigger.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
1 · Listen to your body's alarm
Heat in your face, a tight chest, the urge to type fast. If you recognize it, you win the first second.
2 · Breathe and talk to yourself by name
“Teo, what's going on?” Talking to yourself like this helps you handle nerves and stress better. (Kross et al., 2014)
3 · Think of it as if it happened to a friend
We're wiser about other people's problems than our own. (Grossmann & Kross, 2014) Ask yourself: “If Dani told me this, what would I tell him?”
4 · “So you're saying…?”
Repeat what the other person said before you answer. When someone feels heard, they lower their guard. (Itzchakov, Kluger & Castro, 2017)
In the chat: ten minutes
The best tool is not replying yet. Put your phone down for ten minutes. If what you wanted to say still seems like a good idea, say it later.
What doesn't work: venting with rage makes anger grow instead of shrink. (Bushman, 2002)
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
In a group project, you suggest an idea.
A classmate: «That won't work, it's so boring.»
“Your idea is way more boring.”
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. Now the group is split.
“Fine, do whatever you want.”
If you choose this one
Stays the same. You check out of the project. You stay annoyed.
You breathe. “So you're saying it's boring for the presentation? What would you change?”
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. “We could do it as a video.” The idea gets better and it's still yours.
What worked: You listened before defending yourself. You didn't have to beat anyone for your idea to move forward.
Your emergency phrases
Step 1 · What's your alarm?
Step 2 · Choose three phrases.
Step 3 · Say them out loud. It sounds weird. It works: the day you need them, they'll come out on their own.
Use one of your phrases or the ten-minute rule in the chat.
What happened when you used it?
“Sorry if that hurt lol.” Why doesn't that count as an apology?
Finish and go to lesson 7 →Sources for this lesson
- Kross, E. et al. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: How you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304–324. View source: Kross, E. et al. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: How you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304–324.
- Grossmann, I. & Kross, E. (2014). Exploring Solomon's paradox. Psychological Science, 25(8), 1571–1580. Find reference: Grossmann, I. & Kross, E. (2014). Exploring Solomon's paradox. Psychological Science, 25(8), 1571–1580.
- Itzchakov, G., Kluger, A. N. & Castro, D. R. (2017). I am aware of my inconsistencies but can tolerate them. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43(1), 105–120. View source: Itzchakov, G., Kluger, A. N. & Castro, D. R. (2017). I am aware of my inconsistencies but can tolerate them. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43(1), 105–120.
- Bushman, B. J. (2002). Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(6), 724–731. Find reference: Bushman, B. J. (2002). Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(6), 724–731.
Between what someone says to you and what you answer, there's a very small space. Sometimes it lasts half a second.
This lesson is about making that space a little bigger.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- Tool 1
Listen to your body's alarm
The ego warns you before you speak. Almost always through your body: heat in your face or chest, a clenched jaw, fast breathing, the urge to interrupt, a fake smile.
If you learn to recognize your alarm, you win the first second.
- Tool 2
Breathe and talk to yourself by name
Breathe slowly three times. While you do, talk to yourself as you would to someone else: “Mara, what's going on?” instead of “what's wrong with me?”.
It sounds strange, but there's evidence for it. In seven studies, people who talked to themselves using their name or “you” handled stressful situations, like public speaking, better and felt less distressed. (Kross et al., 2014)
Using your name puts a little distance between you and what you feel. And with distance, you think better.
- Tool 3
Think of it as a friend's problem
We're much wiser about other people's problems than our own. When a friend tells us about a fight, we see both sides, think about how it could end and don't take anything for granted.
With our own, we don't. But in studies, that difference disappears when people imagine their own problem from the outside, as if it were happening to someone else. (Grossmann & Kross, 2014)
The question is: “If a friend told me this, what would I tell them?”
- Tool 4
“So what you're saying is…”
Before you answer, repeat in your own words what the other person said: “So what you're saying is that… is that right?”
It works both ways. It forces you to listen to understand, not to reply. And when someone feels truly heard, they lower their guard: in studies, people who were listened to well got less defensive and softened their views. (Itzchakov, Kluger & Castro, 2017)
What doesn't work: venting with rage
Many people believe that hitting a pillow or yelling helps get the anger out. Studies say the opposite: venting with rage increases anger and aggression. (Bushman, 2002)
Turning the volume down works better than turning it up.
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
You present an idea in a meeting. Omar raises his hand.
Omar: «I don't think that'll work. We tried it last year and it went badly.»
You feel the heat in your face. What do you do?
“That was different. Last year they did it wrong.”
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. Omar crosses his arms: “I was there, I know what happened.” The meeting turns into a fight between the two of you.
“Okay, forget it.”
If you choose this one
Stays the same. Nobody says anything. Your idea dies and you stay annoyed for the rest of the day. The ego didn't speak, but it didn't leave either: it went into hiding.
You breathe. “So what you're saying is that something similar failed last year. What went wrong?”
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Omar relaxes a little.
Omar: «There wasn't enough time to test it.»
“See, so it wasn't the idea's fault.”
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. You won the point, but Omar feels used. He goes quiet.
“That makes sense. What if this time we test it for a month before deciding?”
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Omar nods: “That works.” The idea is still alive, and now it's a little bit his too.
What worked: You listened before defending yourself and turned the criticism into information. You didn't have to beat Omar for your idea to move forward.
Mara tells Sam, again, that he forgot something.
Sam feels the heat in his face. His answer is ready: “What about you?”
He breathes. He thinks: “Sam, what's going on?” And he answers himself: “I'm embarrassed I forgot.”
He says: “You're right. I forgot. I'll do it now.”
Mara, who was expecting a fight, is speechless for a second. Then she smiles.
Your emergency phrases
Step 1 · Your alarm. What do you feel in your body when the ego shows up?
Step 2 · Choose three phrases you'll use when the alarm goes off.
Step 3 · Say them out loud, three times each. Yes, out loud. It sounds strange, and that's normal. The day you need them, your mouth will already know them.
Step 4 · Rehearse. Think of the next difficult conversation you know you'll have. Picture it from the outside, as if it were a friend's. Where will the alarm go off? Which phrase will you use?
Use one of your three phrases in a real conversation.
Which phrase did you use? What happened in the conversation? What happened in your body?
Sometimes the ego wins before you can even breathe. You've already said what you didn't want to say.
In the next lesson you'll learn how to repair. And you'll find out that the part of an apology that matters most isn't the one everyone thinks.
Finish and go to lesson 7 →Sources for this lesson
- Kross, E. et al. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: How you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304–324. View source: Kross, E. et al. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: How you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304–324.
- Grossmann, I. & Kross, E. (2014). Exploring Solomon's paradox: Self-distancing eliminates the self-other asymmetry in wise reasoning about close relationships in younger and older adults. Psychological Science, 25(8), 1571–1580. View source: Grossmann, I. & Kross, E. (2014). Exploring Solomon's paradox: Self-distancing eliminates the self-other asymmetry in wise reasoning about close relationships in younger and older adults. Psychological Science, 25(8), 1571–1580.
- Itzchakov, G., Kluger, A. N. & Castro, D. R. (2017). I am aware of my inconsistencies but can tolerate them: The effect of high quality listening on speakers' attitude ambivalence. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43(1), 105–120. Find reference: Itzchakov, G., Kluger, A. N. & Castro, D. R. (2017). I am aware of my inconsistencies but can tolerate them: The effect of high quality listening on speakers' attitude ambivalence. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43(1), 105–120.
- Bushman, B. J. (2002). Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(6), 724–731. Find reference: Bushman, B. J. (2002). Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(6), 724–731.
Lesson 6 of 10.
You're doing well.
To take with youUse the traffic light once.
To take with youUse one of your phrases or the ten-minute rule in the chat.
To take with youUse one of your three phrases in a real conversation.
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