The bossy little voice is sneaky: it almost never says its name. It wears a disguise.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Six disguises
- The Bossy One: “We play my way!”
- The Winner: “I won, I won!” (and makes fun of whoever lost).
- The Show-Off: “Mine is better.”
- The Grump: “It wasn't my fault!”
- The Rule-Changer: when it's losing, it makes up a new rule.
- The Quitter: “This game is dumb, I'm not playing anymore!”
Is it the little voice or not?
Saying “good game!” when you lose.
Answer
🙂 It's not. That's what champions do!
Saying the dice are broken when you're losing.
Answer
📣 It's the little voice. It's the Rule-Changer.
Helping a friend pick up their crayons.
Answer
🙂 It's not. That's helping, without expecting anything back.
“My drawing is the prettiest of all!”
Answer
📣 It's the little voice. It's the Show-Off.
Saying “I don't know” when you don't know.
Answer
🙂 It's not. That's being brave!
Storming off from the game when you lose.
Answer
📣 It's the little voice. It's the Quitter.
Lía and her friends are playing ball. Lía's team is losing.
“Now goals count double!” Lía shouts.
Her friends look at each other. Nobody said that before. Which disguise did the little voice put on?
Guess the disguise
The adult acts out a disguise (for example, the Grump) and the child guesses which one it is. Then switch.
If you spot a disguise today, in you or in someone at home, say it kindly: “That was the Winner!”
Which disguise does your little voice use most?
Why does the little voice get so bossy?
Finish and go to lesson 3 →Nobody says “I want to be above you”. We say “lol just kidding”, “I know, I know” or “they can text me first”.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Eight disguises
- The know-it-all. “I know, I know.” You don't let anyone explain anything to you.
- The likes one. “How many did it get?” What you post is worth what the numbers say.
- The show-off. “Yeah, me too.” You say you saw it, went there or have it, even when you didn't.
- The last word. The chat argument is over, but you send one more message.
- The proud one. “They can text me first.” You'd rather lose someone than take the first step.
- The mocker. You laugh at others so they don't laugh at you.
- The victim. “Nobody gets me.” Everything bad is someone else's fault.
- The comparer. “He has more…” You measure your worth by what others have.
They're all after the same thing: not ending up below. Some attack, some hide and some make themselves small.
Ego or not?
Saying “I don't know” in class.
Answer
Not ego. Admitting what you don't know is the opposite of ego.
Posting a photo you like.
Answer
It depends. If you post it because you like it, no. If you delete it because it got few likes, yes.
Sharing a screenshot of a private message “just to mess around”.
Answer
It's ego. You're laughing at the expense of someone who trusted you.
Standing up for someone who's being made fun of.
Answer
Not ego. Defending what's fair isn't defending your image.
“It was a joke, don't be so dramatic.”
Answer
It's ego. It puts the problem on the other person.
Staying quiet in a fight.
Answer
It depends. Sometimes it's calm. Sometimes it's pride, waiting for the other person to come and apologize.
The “it depends” ones are the hardest: the same gesture can come from ego or not. What decides it is why you do it.
Someone posts a photo of the team in the group chat. Teo comments: “lol Dani looks like a potato”.
Everyone sends laughing emojis. Dani doesn't reply. Teo feels like the funniest one in the group. Dani, like the smallest.
Your two disguises
Step 1 · Mark the two disguises you use most.
Step 2 · A real example of each one.
Step 3 · Ask someone you trust (a friend, your sister, your mom or your dad): “When do I get defensive?”
The rule: you can only say “thank you” or “can you give me an example?”. It's uncomfortable. That's why it works.
Ask the question from step 3.
What did they tell you? What did you feel?
Why do you feel like everyone is watching when you mess up? Spoiler: almost nobody noticed.
Finish and go to lesson 3 →Nobody says “I want to be above you”.
We say “I'm just clarifying”, “I'm not complaining, but…” or “oh, I don't know anything…”.
The ego almost never introduces itself by name. It wears a disguise.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Eight disguises
These are the most common disguises. Most of us use two or three.
- The one who's always right. “Yes, but…”. You correct details. It's hard for you to say “I don't know”.
- The interrupter. You don't let people finish. You already know what they're going to say, or you think you do.
- The last word. The argument is over, but you need to close it.
- The one who needs applause. You do good, but it hurts if nobody notices.
- The fake humble one. “Oh, I don't know anything…”. You put yourself down hoping someone will disagree.
- The victim. Everything bad is someone else's fault. Your pain is always the biggest.
- The offended silence. You say nothing, but everyone knows you're upset. And you wait for the other person to come and fix it.
- The scorekeeper. “After everything I've done…”. You remember every favor and every offense.
What they have in common
All eight are after the same thing: not ending up below. Some do it by attacking, some by hiding, and some by making themselves small so others lift them up.
That's why ego doesn't only belong to the one who shouts. It also belongs to the one who goes quiet and waits for an apology.
Ego or not?
Saying “I don't know”.
Answer
Not ego. Admitting what you don't know is the opposite of ego.
Mentioning what you did so people see you helped.
Answer
It's ego. You helped, but you're charging for it in attention.
Feeling hurt when nobody thanks you.
Answer
It depends. Feeling it is normal. The ego shows up if you stop helping or make them pay for it later.
Standing up for a coworker who's being unfairly blamed.
Answer
Not ego. Defending what's fair isn't the same as defending your image.
“I'm not complaining, but someone has to say it…”
Answer
It's ego. It's a complaint dressed up as a service.
Asking for your work to be recognized when someone else takes the credit.
Answer
It depends. Asking for what's fair isn't ego. Humiliating the other person to get it is.
Staying quiet so you don't fight.
Answer
It depends. Sometimes it's peace. Sometimes it's offended silence. The difference is in what you do afterward.
Changing your mind when someone shows you were wrong.
Answer
Not ego. It's the hardest thing and the healthiest.
The “it depends” ones are the hardest: the same gesture can come from ego or not. What decides it is why you do it.
Omar brought coffee for the whole team. Nobody said anything.
In the afternoon meeting, Omar remarks: “Well, at least someone remembered to bring coffee today.”
A few people laugh. Mara feels a twinge of guilt. Nobody quite knows what to say.
Omar did something good. But he made them pay for it.
Your two disguises
Step 1 · Choose. Of the eight disguises, mark the two you use most.
Step 2 · A real example of each. For each disguise, write down one time you used it. Who with? What did you say or do? What were you after?
Step 3 · Ask someone. Choose someone you trust and ask: “When do I get defensive?”
There's only one rule: you can't defend yourself from the answer. You can only say “thank you” and, if you want, “can you give me an example?”.
Yes, it's uncomfortable. That's exactly why it works.
Step 4 · Write down what they told you.
Ask the question from step 3, if you haven't already. If it's not possible today, decide who you'll ask and when.
What did the other person tell you? What did you feel while they were saying it?
Why does such a small correction (“the movie came out in 2019”) feel like an attack?
In the next lesson you'll understand where the ego comes from. And why, even when we know apologizing is the right thing, it feels so bad to do it.
Finish and go to lesson 3 →Lesson 2 of 10.
Great start.
To take with youIf you spot a disguise today, in you or in someone at home, say it kindly: “That was the Winner!”
To take with youAsk the question from step 3.
To take with youAsk the question from step 3, if you haven't already. If it's not possible today, decide who you'll ask and when.
What you write and your progress are saved only on this device. When you finish the lesson we add 1 to the total, without knowing who you are.