Why does it shout? 🤔
Where does the little voice come from? · 8 min
Where it comes from
Why does it happen to all of us? · 12 min
Where it comes from
Why does it happen to all of us? · 15 min
Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.
The little voice shouts loudest when you're scared.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- The little voice shouts when it's scared of losing, of looking bad or of being laughed at.
- It thinks that if you lose a game, you're worth less. But that's not true! You're worth the same whether you win or lose.
- Sometimes we think everyone is looking at us when we make a mistake. But almost nobody noticed: everyone is thinking about their own things.
- Saying sorry is scary. That's why the little voice says “it wasn't my fault”. But after you say sorry, you feel so much better.
True or not true?
Choose, and the card shows you what the evidence says.
«If I lose, I'm worth less.»
Answer
Not true. You're always worth the same.
«Saying sorry is for babies.»
Answer
Not true. It's for brave people.
«Everyone noticed my mistake.»
Answer
Not true. Almost nobody noticed.
«Everyone has a bossy little voice.»
Answer
True. Even moms, dads and grandmas!
The teacher asks a question. Lía gets the answer wrong. She turns red. She feels like everyone is looking at her.
At recess she asks her friend: “Did you see I got it wrong?”
“When?” says her friend.
The adult tells a story
The adult tells about a time their own little voice won. What happened? How did they feel? What would they do differently?
Then the child tells one of theirs.
Just for the adult: warmth helps a child love themselves in a healthy way. Telling a child they're “more special than other kids” is linked to more narcissism over time. (Brummelman et al., 2015) And over-the-top praise (“you're incredibly good!”) can lead more insecure children to avoid challenges. (Brummelman et al., 2014) Simple praise about what they did works better: “You worked really hard on that drawing.”
When you lose at something, say out loud: “I'm still worth the same.”
What is your little voice scared of?
The story of Lía at recess. What happened when the little voice was the boss every day?
Finish and go to lesson 4 →Sources for this lesson
- Brummelman, E. et al. (2015). Origins of narcissism in children. PNAS, 112(12), 3659–3662. View source: Brummelman, E. et al. (2015). Origins of narcissism in children. PNAS, 112(12), 3659–3662.
- Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Orobio de Castro, B., Overbeek, G. & Bushman, B. J. (2014). “That's not just beautiful—That's incredibly beautiful!”: The adverse impact of inflated praise on children with low self-esteem. Psychological Science, 25(3), 728–735. Find reference: Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Orobio de Castro, B., Overbeek, G. & Bushman, B. J. (2014). “That's not just beautiful—That's incredibly beautiful!”: The adverse impact of inflated praise on children with low self-esteem. Psychological Science, 25(3), 728–735.
- Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H. & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222. Find reference: Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H. & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222.
You drop your tray in the cafeteria. You feel like the whole school saw.
What if I told you almost nobody noticed?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
We think everyone is watching us
People believe others notice their mistakes and appearance much more than they really do. (Gilovich, Medvec & Savitsky, 2000) Everyone else is busy thinking about their own mistakes.
At your age, other people's eyes weigh more
Some brain studies show that in adolescence, being watched causes more embarrassment and a stronger reaction than in childhood or adulthood. (Somerville, 2013) These studies are small, but they point to something many people feel: you're not exaggerating, you feel it more strongly. It's a stage, and it can be handled.
When your worth depends on something, you defend it like your life
If you feel you're worth your likes, being the funniest or winning, every criticism of that feels like an attack on you. (Crocker & Park, 2004)
Not saying sorry feels good. At first.
In one study, people who refused to apologize felt more powerful in the moment. (Okimoto, Wenzel & Hedrick, 2013) That's why it's hard. The price comes later: one friend fewer.
We learned it
From what we saw at home, at school and online. If you always saw that mistakes got laughed at or punished, you learned to hide them.
The key: make your worth not depend on winning.
True or false?
Choose, and the card shows you what the evidence says.
«Having a big ego means loving yourself a lot.»
Answer
False. Someone who's sure of their worth doesn't need to prove it all the time.
«Saying sorry is for the weak.»
Answer
False. It takes more courage than defending yourself.
«Everyone notices my mistakes.»
Answer
False. Much less than you think. Everyone is focused on their own stuff.
«If I don't reply in the chat, I lose.»
Answer
It depends on what you want to win. Sometimes you lose the argument and win a friend.
Teo drops his tray. He feels like everyone is looking at him. He leaves without eating.
The next day he asks Dani: “Did you see what happened in the cafeteria yesterday?”
Dani: “What thing?”
What does your worth depend on?
Step 1 · Choose the two that weigh most for you.
Step 2 · Look at the first one. When was the last time someone threatened it? What did you do?
Step 3 · Where did you learn it? It could be a sentence, a person, a moment.
When you mess up in front of others, think: “They're more focused on themselves than on me.”
What does your worth depend on? Would you like it to depend on something else?
A ten-second joke. A best friend of many years. In the next lesson you'll see how they're connected.
Finish and go to lesson 4 →Sources for this lesson
- Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H. & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222. Find reference: Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H. & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222.
- Somerville, L. H. (2013). The teenage brain: Sensitivity to social evaluation. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(2), 121–127. Find reference: Somerville, L. H. (2013). The teenage brain: Sensitivity to social evaluation. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(2), 121–127.
- Crocker, J. & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392–414. View source: Crocker, J. & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392–414.
- Okimoto, T. G., Wenzel, M. & Hedrick, K. (2013). Refusing to apologize can have psychological benefits. European Journal of Social Psychology, 43(1), 22–31. Find reference: Okimoto, T. G., Wenzel, M. & Hedrick, K. (2013). Refusing to apologize can have psychological benefits. European Journal of Social Psychology, 43(1), 22–31.
Imagine someone tells you: “You made a mistake in this report.”
Now imagine they tell you: “You're a careless person.”
The first sentence is about a report. The second is about you. But to the ego they sound the same. That's the problem.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
We all see ourselves as better than we are
In lesson 1 you saw that almost all of us think we're better than average. There's more: we easily see other people's biases, but not our own. (Pronin, Lin & Ross, 2002)
That's why, when someone corrects us, our first thought is almost never “they're right”. It's “they don't get it”.
When your worth depends on something, you defend it like your life
We all put our worth in something: being right, knowing more, being admired, being needed, money, how we look.
When your worth depends on being right, a correction doesn't feel like information. It feels like a threat to you. And the body reacts as it does to any threat: heat, tension, the urge to attack or run.
Studies show that trying to prove our worth brings relief in the moment, but it usually costs a lot later: in our relationships, in what we learn and in our health. (Crocker & Park, 2004)
Not apologizing feels good. At first.
In one study, people were asked to remember something bad they had done. Some were asked to write an apology. Others, to refuse to apologize.
Those who refused felt more powerful and better about themselves than those who apologized. (Okimoto, Wenzel & Hedrick, 2013)
That's why it's so hard. The ego isn't stupid: not apologizing gives a small reward in the moment. The price comes later, and the relationship pays it.
We learned it
Nobody is born knowing how to defend themselves like this. It's learned.
In a study of 565 children, those whose parents saw them as “more special than other kids” became more narcissistic over time. Those who received warmth developed healthy self-esteem. (Brummelman et al., 2015)
It's also learned in homes where mistakes were punished with mockery or humiliation. There, a child learns that mistakes are dangerous and must be hidden or blamed on someone else.
This isn't about blaming anyone. Our parents learned from someone too. But what we learned is our work now.
The most important thing in this lesson
The most dangerous ego isn't the one that feels secure. It's the one that feels superior but breaks easily. Research on aggression shows the highest risk appears when someone with an inflated self-image feels it being questioned. (Baumeister, Smart & Boden, 1996)
The way out isn't loving yourself less. It's making your worth not depend on winning.
True or false?
Choose, and the card shows you what the evidence says.
«Having a big ego means having very high self-esteem.»
Answer
False. Someone who's sure of their worth doesn't need to prove it all the time. A strong ego often hides a fragile sense of worth.
«Apologizing is for the weak.»
Answer
False. It takes more strength than defending yourself. That's why so many people find it hard.
«Humble people let others walk all over them.»
Answer
False. Humility knows how to set limits. It doesn't need to humiliate anyone, or let itself be humiliated.
«If I don't defend myself, I lose.»
Answer
It depends on what you want to win. Sometimes all you lose is an argument. And you win the relationship.
«The ego can be eliminated.»
Answer
False. It can't be eliminated: you turn the volume down. And that can be trained.
Sam is ten. He made a mistake on a math problem in his homework.
His dad looks at it and says, out loud, in front of his siblings: “You can't even do that?”
Everyone laughs.
Thirty years later, Mara tells Sam he forgot to pay the electricity bill. Sam doesn't hear “you forgot to pay the bill”. He hears “you can't even do that?”.
And he answers as if he were ten.
What does your worth depend on?
Step 1 · Choose. What does feeling valuable depend on for you? Mark the two that weigh most.
Step 2 · Look at the first one. Think of the last time someone threatened it. What did you do?
Step 3 · Find where it comes from. Who taught you that this made you worth something? Do you remember a moment in your childhood or youth when you learned it?
You don't have to write everything. It can be a sentence, an image or a name.
Step 4 · Write one sentence to the child you were in that moment. What would you tell them today?
If this exercise brings up very painful memories, you can stop here. Talking to a professional can help: at the end of this page you'll find who to turn to.
When someone corrects you today, repeat in your head: “This is about the report, not about me” (or the homework, the bill, the food: whatever it is).
What does your worth depend on? Would you like it to depend on something else?
Being right has a price. We almost never pay it in the moment.
In the next lesson you'll see how a ten-minute argument over a bill ended up costing three years.
Finish and go to lesson 4 →Sources for this lesson
- Pronin, E., Lin, D. Y. & Ross, L. (2002). The bias blind spot: Perceptions of bias in self versus others. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(3), 369–381. View source: Pronin, E., Lin, D. Y. & Ross, L. (2002). The bias blind spot: Perceptions of bias in self versus others. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(3), 369–381.
- Crocker, J. & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392–414. View source: Crocker, J. & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392–414.
- Okimoto, T. G., Wenzel, M. & Hedrick, K. (2013). Refusing to apologize can have psychological benefits (and we issue no mea culpa for this research finding). European Journal of Social Psychology, 43(1), 22–31. View source: Okimoto, T. G., Wenzel, M. & Hedrick, K. (2013). Refusing to apologize can have psychological benefits (and we issue no mea culpa for this research finding). European Journal of Social Psychology, 43(1), 22–31.
- Brummelman, E. et al. (2015). Origins of narcissism in children. PNAS, 112(12), 3659–3662. View source: Brummelman, E. et al. (2015). Origins of narcissism in children. PNAS, 112(12), 3659–3662.
- Baumeister, R. F., Smart, L. & Boden, J. M. (1996). Relation of threatened egotism to violence and aggression: The dark side of high self-esteem. Psychological Review, 103(1), 5–33. View source: Baumeister, R. F., Smart, L. & Boden, J. M. (1996). Relation of threatened egotism to violence and aggression: The dark side of high self-esteem. Psychological Review, 103(1), 5–33.
Lesson 3 of 10.
Great start.
To take with youWhen you lose at something, say out loud: “I'm still worth the same.”
To take with youWhen you mess up in front of others, think: “They're more focused on themselves than on me.”
To take with youWhen someone corrects you today, repeat in your head: “This is about the report, not about me” (or the homework, the bill, the food: whatever it is).
What you write and your progress are saved only on this device. When you finish the lesson we add 1 to the total, without knowing who you are.