Caring for others, and for yourself 🤝
What do I do with what people tell me? · 8 min
Tools for caring
How do I stay with someone without sinking? · 10 min
Tools for caring
How do I stay with someone without drowning? · 15 min
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What do you do if a friend tells you something that worries you a lot?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- Some things are told to a grown-up. If a friend tells you something that worries you a lot (that someone is hurting them, that they're very sad every day, that they don't want to go to school), tell a grown-up you trust. It isn't tattling: it's looking after them. You don't have to fix everything alone.
- Being happy for someone is switching your antennas on too. When someone does something well, celebrate with them: «That's great! Tell me!».
- A small gift goes a long way. A drawing, a hug or sharing your snack makes someone happier than you think. (Kumar and Epley, 2023)
- When you're sad, you can ask for company too. Other people's antennas work better if you tell them.
Your friend tells you something good
Camila tells you: «I got a perfect score on the test!».
«That's great! Were you nervous?»
Answer
📡 On. You celebrate and ask.
«Oh.» (and you keep playing)
Answer
💤 Off. You didn't even look at her.
«I got a better score.»
Answer
💤 Off. You take away her moment.
Lía's presentation didn't go well. She comes home quiet. Her dad asks: «Are you okay?». Lía says yes. Her dad asks again: «Really?».
Lía starts crying and tells him. Her dad hugs her.
Now Lía is the one who needed someone to switch their antennas on.
Your trusted grown-up
Draw the grown-ups you can tell something important to. Who are they?
Just for the adult: tell the child, in these words, that if something worries them a lot they can always tell you, even if someone asked them to keep it a secret. There are nice secrets (a surprise) and heavy secrets: those get told.
When someone tells you something good, celebrate it with a question.
Who do you tell when you're sad?
Five tricky situations!
Finish and go to lesson 8 →Sources for this lesson
- Kumar, A. and Epley, N. (2023). A little good goes an unexpectedly long way: Underestimating the positive impact of kindness on recipients. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 152(1), 236–252. View source: Kumar, A. and Epley, N. (2023). A little good goes an unexpectedly long way: Underestimating the positive impact of kindness on recipients. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 152(1), 236–252.
A friend tells you something very serious and asks you not to tell anyone. Since that day, you haven't slept well.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- Wishing them well isn't sinking with them. Carrying someone's pain as your own wears you out. Wishing them well and acting lets you be there longer. (Klimecki et al., 2014)
- Kind limits: «I want to listen to you. I can't right now. Can we talk tomorrow at recess?».
- Some secrets aren't kept. If someone talks about hurting themselves, about disappearing, if someone is hurting them, or if they don't eat or sleep, tell an adult you trust, even if they ask you not to. It's not betraying them: it's looking after them. And asking directly («Are you thinking about hurting yourself?») doesn't put the idea in their head. (Dazzi et al., 2014)
- Being truly happy for someone is empathy too. When things go well for a friend, answering with interest and questions brings you closer. (Gable et al., 2004)
- A small gesture goes further than you think. (Kumar and Epley, 2023)
Someone shares good news
Dani tells you: «I made the team!». You wanted to make it too.
«That's great! How was the tryout? Tell me everything.»
Answer
Brings you closer. It celebrates and asks.
«Oh, nice.» (and you keep looking at your phone)
Answer
Pushes away. It doesn't see him.
«You'll have to train every day though, what a drag.»
Answer
Pushes away. It puts the problem before the joy.
«Hey, did you see what Cami posted?»
Answer
Pushes away. It didn't even hear him.
Dani makes the team. Teo doesn't. It hurts, and for a second he wants to say «it was just luck». Instead, he asks how the tryout went and hugs him.
That night, Teo tells his mom he's sad about not making it. She sits next to him and listens. This time, he's the one asking for company.
Your limit and your gesture
1 · Who are you carrying more of than you can?
2 · Your limit phrase, in your own words.
3 · Which adult you trust would you tell something serious to?
4 · A small gesture for someone this week.
When someone tells you something good, ask for the details.
What's harder for you: setting limits or asking for help?
Six real-life situations.
Finish and go to lesson 8 →Sources for this lesson
- Klimecki, O. M., Leiberg, S., Ricard, M. and Singer, T. (2014). Differential pattern of functional brain plasticity after compassion and empathy training. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 9(6), 873–879. View source: Klimecki, O. M., Leiberg, S., Ricard, M. and Singer, T. (2014). Differential pattern of functional brain plasticity after compassion and empathy training. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 9(6), 873–879.
- Dazzi, T., Gribble, R., Wessely, S. and Fear, N. T. (2014). Does asking about suicide and related behaviours induce suicidal ideation? What is the evidence? Psychological Medicine, 44(16), 3361–3363. Find reference: Dazzi, T., Gribble, R., Wessely, S. and Fear, N. T. (2014). Does asking about suicide and related behaviours induce suicidal ideation? What is the evidence? Psychological Medicine, 44(16), 3361–3363.
- Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A. and Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245. View source: Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A. and Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245.
- Kumar, A. and Epley, N. (2023). A little good goes an unexpectedly long way: Underestimating the positive impact of kindness on recipients. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 152(1), 236–252. View source: Kumar, A. and Epley, N. (2023). A little good goes an unexpectedly long way: Underestimating the positive impact of kindness on recipients. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 152(1), 236–252.
On planes they say: «Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others».
It isn't selfish. If you run out of air, you can't help anyone.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Feeling with someone isn't the same as wishing them well
There are two ways to respond to someone else's pain:
- Feeling it as your own: you take on their distress, carry it and become distressed too.
- Wishing them well and acting: you care, you want to help, but you don't sink with them.
In one study, a group trained only the first, and their negative emotions went up. When they later trained the second, their negative emotions went down and their positive ones went up. (Klimecki, Leiberg, Ricard and Singer, 2014)
The first is the beginning. The second is the one that lets you be there for a long time.
Kind limits
Saying «I can't today» isn't abandoning anyone. It's looking after yourself so you can come back.
«I love you and I want to listen. Today I don't have the strength to do it well. Can we talk tomorrow?»
A limit said with care protects the relationship. A «yes» said without strength ends in resentment.
When being there isn't enough
There are moments when listening isn't enough: when someone talks about hurting themselves, about disappearing, when they don't eat, don't sleep or can't get up.
Then, the most empathetic thing is to seek professional help, even if the person asks you not to tell anyone. A secret like that isn't kept. And asking directly («Are you thinking about hurting yourself?») doesn't put the idea in their head: a review of thirteen studies found no sign that asking increased those thoughts. (Dazzi, Gribble, Wessely and Fear, 2014)
In lesson 8 you'll see what to do, step by step.
Empathy with good news
Empathy isn't only being there in pain. It's also being truly happy when things go well for someone.
When someone shares good news, you can respond in four ways:
- Engaged, and adding to it: «That's great! How did you find out? Tell me everything.»
- Disengaged, and adding to it: «Nice.» (and you go back to your thing)
- Engaged, and taking away: «Aren't you scared? That means more work.»
- Disengaged, and taking away: «Hey, did you see what happened with…?»
Only the first brings you closer. Responding to good news with enthusiasm and questions was linked to better relationships. (Gable, Reis, Impett and Asher, 2004)
If it's hard for you to be happy for someone, it may be the competition from lesson 3. The envy route works on exactly that.
A gesture is worth more than you think
We often skip a small gesture because we think it's too little. In several experiments, people who did something kind underestimated how happy it made the other person. And the person who received it was then more generous with a stranger. (Kumar and Epley, 2023)
A message, a coffee, a question. It goes further than you imagine.
Someone shares good news
Your sister tells you: «I got into the course I wanted!».
«That's great news! When do you start? How did you find out?»
Answer
Brings you closer. It celebrates and asks: it lets her enjoy it again.
«Nice.»
Answer
Pushes away. It isn't bad, but it doesn't see her.
«And will you manage with that and work?»
Answer
Pushes away. It puts the problem before the joy.
«Oh, I did one like that and it was awful.»
Answer
Pushes away. It turns to you and takes away its value.
«You did it! I know how much you wanted it.»
Answer
Brings you closer. It recognizes the effort behind the news.
«Hey, did you see the game yesterday?»
Answer
Pushes away. It didn't even hear her.
Mara is listening to everyone again: her friend who's separating, her mom, a coworker. This time, after the third call of the day, the phone rings again. It's her friend again.
Mara takes a breath. She answers: «I love you and I want to listen to you properly. Today I'm out of strength. Can I call you tomorrow morning, over coffee?».
Her friend says: «Of course. Sorry, I didn't realize».
Mara hangs up. Sam asks her: «And how are you?».
For the first time in weeks, Mara tells him.
Your limit and your gesture
Step 1 · What you carry. Who are you carrying more of than you can? Write up to three names.
Step 2 · Your limit phrase. Write, in your own words, how you'd tell that person «I can't today», with care.
Step 3 · Your own support. Who do you tell how you are? If there's no one, write who you'd like to tell.
Step 4 · A gesture. Choose someone and a small gesture you'll make this week: a message, a coffee, some help, a question.
When someone tells you something good, celebrate it with questions. And if someone asks for more than you can give, try your limit phrase.
What's harder for you: saying «I can't today» or being truly happy for someone else?
Now you have tools for the moment and for looking after yourself.
In the next lesson you'll test them in six hard situations: someone cries in front of you, someone has lost a loved one, your child says nobody loves him… and someone tells you they want to disappear.
Finish and go to lesson 8 →Sources for this lesson
- Klimecki, O. M., Leiberg, S., Ricard, M. and Singer, T. (2014). Differential pattern of functional brain plasticity after compassion and empathy training. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 9(6), 873–879. View source: Klimecki, O. M., Leiberg, S., Ricard, M. and Singer, T. (2014). Differential pattern of functional brain plasticity after compassion and empathy training. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 9(6), 873–879.
- Dazzi, T., Gribble, R., Wessely, S. and Fear, N. T. (2014). Does asking about suicide and related behaviours induce suicidal ideation? What is the evidence? Psychological Medicine, 44(16), 3361–3363. Find reference: Dazzi, T., Gribble, R., Wessely, S. and Fear, N. T. (2014). Does asking about suicide and related behaviours induce suicidal ideation? What is the evidence? Psychological Medicine, 44(16), 3361–3363.
- Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A. and Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245. View source: Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A. and Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245.
- Kumar, A. and Epley, N. (2023). A little good goes an unexpectedly long way: Underestimating the positive impact of kindness on recipients. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 152(1), 236–252. View source: Kumar, A. and Epley, N. (2023). A little good goes an unexpectedly long way: Underestimating the positive impact of kindness on recipients. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 152(1), 236–252.
Lesson 7 of 10.
You're doing well.
To take with youWhen someone tells you something good, celebrate it with a question.
To take with youWhen someone tells you something good, ask for the details.
To take with youWhen someone tells you something good, celebrate it with questions. And if someone asks for more than you can give, try your limit phrase.
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