When antennas switch off 🌧️
What happens if I don't notice? · 8 min
What it costs
What do I lose if I don't notice? · 10 min
What it costs
What do I lose if I don't practice it? · 15 min
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If nobody goes up to someone who is sad, how long can they stay alone?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Martín's story
Case 1The boy crying at break
Martín, a boy in Lía's class, is crying in a corner of the playground.
Illustrative case. The characters and events are made up. The pattern is based on evidence.
Where would you have changed course? Pick the panel where you would have done something different.
- On Monday
Martín, a boy in Lía's class, is crying in a corner of the playground. Lía sees him, but keeps playing.
What could have been done here
Go over to Martín.
- On Tuesday
Martín is crying again. Some kids call him a crybaby. Lía doesn't say anything.
What could have been done here
Not laugh, and ask Martín what's wrong.
- On Wednesday
Lía goes over and asks him: "Are you okay?" Martín tells her he really misses his dog, who stayed with his grandma in another city.
What could have been done here
Listen to him, like Lía did!
- On Thursday
Lía invites Martín to play and asks him what his dog's name is. Martín smiles for the first time all week.
What could have been done here
What Lía did! One question can change someone's day.
Any moment was a good moment to change course, even the last one. The best one is today.
The cost: Two days when a boy was alone with his sadness.
What the data says: Some scientists saw that even tiny babies get worried when someone cries. We're all born wanting to help! We just have to be brave enough to go over. Source: Davidov, M., Paz, Y., Roth-Hanania, R., Uzefovsky, F., Orlitsky, T., Mankuta, D. and Zahn-Waxler, C. (2021). Caring babies: Concern for others in distress during infancy. Developmental Science, 24(2), e13016.
Today: If you see someone sad, ask them: "Are you okay?"
Martín spent two days alone with his sadness. Not because Lía was mean: her antennas were off. When she switched them on, one question was enough.
How would you feel?
Imagine you're sad at recess and nobody comes over. How would you feel? What would you like someone to say to you?
If you see someone sad, ask them: «Are you okay?».
Has anyone ever come over to you when you were sad?
Stories of a man whose antennas were always on.
Finish and go to lesson 5 →A four-minute voice note. A «hang in there, bro 💪».
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
The timeline
Case 1The voice message
Dani sends Teo a four-minute voice message at two in the morning.
Illustrative case. The characters and events are made up. The pattern is based on evidence.
Where would you have changed course? Pick the panel where you would have done something different.
- One Thursday, before dawn
Dani sends Teo a four-minute voice message at two in the morning. In the morning, Teo sees the notification, doesn't listen to it and answers: "Hang in there, bro 💪."
What could have been done here
Listen to the whole message and call him.
- That same day
At school, Dani is quiet. Teo jokes around with the group and doesn't ask him anything.
What could have been done here
Step aside for a moment and ask: "What was going on last night?"
- A week later
Dani stops writing in the group chat and deletes his photos. Teo sends him a meme to cheer him up.
What could have been done here
Call him, or go see him at home.
- A month later
Teo finally listens to the message. Dani was telling him his parents were splitting up and he felt alone. When Teo goes to find him, Dani says: "I told you, and you sent me an emoji."
What could have been done here
It's still possible: "I'm sorry. I didn't listen. Will you tell me now?" And stay.
Any moment was a good moment to change course, even the last one. The best one is today.
The cost: A friend who felt alone right when he most needed company.
What the data says: In one study, people judged someone much more favorably when they heard them speak than when they read exactly the same words. A voice reminds us there's a person on the other side. Source: Schroeder, J., Kardas, M. and Epley, N. (2017). The humanizing voice: Speech reveals, and text conceals, a more thoughtful mind in the midst of disagreement. Psychological Science, 28(12), 1745–1762.
Today: If a friend sends you a long voice message, listen to all of it. And if something matters, call.
A voice brings you closer. In one study, people understood someone much better when they heard them speak than when they read the same words. (Schroeder, Kardas and Epley, 2017) That's why an unheard voice note, or an emoji, loses so much.
What it costs: your friend feels alone; you get a friendship that cools down; at home, you miss what your people are living.
The other side: carrying everything isn't empathy either. If a friend's problem feels too heavy for you, that matters too. You'll see it in lesson 7.
The tally
1 · Who didn't you listen to properly lately?
2 · What do you think was lost?
3 · One small action for this week.
If someone sends you a long voice note, listen to all of it. And if it matters, call.
What has not noticing cost you?
Someone everyone followed, who still saw the one who was suffering.
Finish and go to lesson 5 →Sources for this lesson
- Schroeder, J., Kardas, M. and Epley, N. (2017). The humanizing voice: Speech reveals, and text conceals, a more thoughtful mind in the midst of disagreement. Psychological Science, 28(12), 1745–1762. View source: Schroeder, J., Kardas, M. and Epley, N. (2017). The humanizing voice: Speech reveals, and text conceals, a more thoughtful mind in the midst of disagreement. Psychological Science, 28(12), 1745–1762.
Nobody stops telling you things overnight.
They stop little by little, every time you don't listen.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
The timeline
Case 1It's not a big deal
Teo tells Sam that his best friend dropped him for another group.
Illustrative case. The characters and events are made up. The pattern is based on evidence.
Where would you have changed course? Pick the panel where you would have done something different.
- Teo is 13
Teo tells Sam that his best friend dropped him for another group. Without looking up, Sam says: "It's not a big deal. You'll make other friends."
What could have been done here
Put the phone down and ask: "What happened? How did you feel?"
- A month later
Teo says he wasn't invited to a birthday party. Sam gives him advice right away: "Invite some other kids yourself, and that's that." Teo goes to his room without a word.
What could have been done here
Ask: "Do you want ideas, or would you rather I just listen?"
- Three months later
Teo doesn't tell him anything anymore. When Sam asks how things went, he says "fine" or "normal." Sam thinks everything is okay.
What could have been done here
Ask twice. Spend time together without screens, without pushing, so a conversation has room to happen.
- Six months later
The school calls: Teo spends every break alone and barely eats. Sam asks him why he didn't tell him anything. Teo answers: "What for? You always say it's not a big deal."
What could have been done here
It's still possible. Tell him: "You're right. I was wrong. I want to listen to you. Will you tell me?" And look for help at school or from a professional.
Any moment was a good moment to change course, even the last one. The best one is today.
The cost: A son who learned that his dad wasn't a safe place to share what hurt.
What the data says: In 25 experiments, imagining what another person felt didn't help people understand them better, and sometimes made them wrong with more confidence. What did work was asking them directly. Source: Eyal, T., Steffel, M. and Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(4), 547–571.
Today: Before answering someone who tells you something, ask them: "What do you need?"
What it costs the other person
Feeling alone among people. It's one of the hardest kinds of loneliness: having someone to tell, and feeling it's no use. Teo didn't stop having problems. He stopped telling them.
What it costs you
Relationships stay on the surface. People are still there, but they no longer tell you what matters. And one day you find out from others, or too late, like Sam with Tita in lesson 1.
What it costs at home
Children learn very early who they can tell things to. If every time they share something they get quick advice or an «it's not a big deal», they learn to keep quiet. And it's much harder to help someone who no longer talks.
The other side: empathy without limits
Empathy can also be costly if it has no brakes. Some people feel all of others' pain, carry it and never let it go. They listen to everyone, solve everything, never say «I can't». Until they get sick or burn out.
A group of people trained only empathy, feeling the other person's pain, and their negative emotions went up. When they later trained compassion, wishing the other person well and wanting to help, their negative emotions went down and their positive ones went up. (Klimecki, Leiberg, Ricard and Singer, 2014)
Feeling with someone is the beginning. But if you only feel and can't let go, you end up without the strength to be there for anyone. In lesson 7 you'll learn how.
The tally
Step 1 · Who stopped telling you. Is there someone who used to tell you things and doesn't anymore? When do you think it started?
Step 2 · What you didn't see in time. Was there someone who was struggling and you found out late? What signs were there?
Step 3 · What you carry. Whose pain are you carrying that isn't yours to carry? How much is it costing you?
Step 4 · One action. Choose one of those people and write something small you could do this week: a call, a question, a «sorry I didn't listen», or a kind «I can't today».
Find someone who stopped telling you things and ask them something, with no rush. Don't expect them to tell you everything. Just open the door.
What has cost you more: not listening, or listening without limits?
So far you've seen what empathy is, how it disguises itself, why we switch it off and what it costs.
In the next lesson you'll see someone who did it differently: he stopped for the one everyone ignored, asked even when the answer seemed obvious, and also knew when to rest and ask for company.
Finish and go to lesson 5 →Sources for this lesson
- Klimecki, O. M., Leiberg, S., Ricard, M. and Singer, T. (2014). Differential pattern of functional brain plasticity after compassion and empathy training. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 9(6), 873–879. View source: Klimecki, O. M., Leiberg, S., Ricard, M. and Singer, T. (2014). Differential pattern of functional brain plasticity after compassion and empathy training. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 9(6), 873–879.
Lesson 4 of 10.
You're doing well.
To take with youIf you see someone sad, ask them: «Are you okay?».
To take with youIf someone sends you a long voice note, listen to all of it. And if it matters, call.
To take with youFind someone who stopped telling you things and ask them something, with no rush. Don't expect them to tell you everything. Just open the door.
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