The tricks that switch antennas off 🎭
How do I notice? · 8 min
What it looks like
How do I recognize it? · 10 min
What it looks like
How do I recognize it? · 12 min
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Sometimes we want to help, but without noticing we say something that doesn't help.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Six tricks
- The «it's not a big deal»: «Don't cry, nothing happened!».
- The «something worse happened to me»: the other person tells their story and you end up telling yours.
- The mind reader: «I know what's wrong». And you don't ask.
- The one who keeps playing: someone is sad and you keep doing your thing.
- The one who walks away: someone cries and you leave because you don't know what to do.
- The one who laughs: someone is sad and the others laugh. And so do you.
Antennas on or off?
Asking «are you okay?» to a friend who is quiet.
Answer
📡 On. That's how you find out what's wrong!
Saying «don't cry, it's not a big deal».
Answer
💤 Off. It's the «it's not a big deal» trick.
Sitting next to someone who is sad.
Answer
📡 On. Staying by their side is being there.
Playing on when your brother comes home sad.
Answer
💤 Off. It's the one-who-keeps-playing trick.
Listening to someone without interrupting.
Answer
📡 On. That way they can tell you everything.
Laughing when someone falls.
Answer
💤 Off. It's the one-who-laughs trick.
Camila tells Lía that her grandma is sick.
—My grandpa had an operation too! —says Lía—. And they gave him a giant ice cream at the hospital.
Lía keeps talking about her grandpa. Camila goes quiet.
Which trick switched Lía's antennas off?
Guess the trick
The adult acts out a trick and the child guesses which one it is. Then swap.
When someone tells you something, ask them a question before you talk about yourself.
Which trick happens to you most?
Why do our antennas switch off?
Finish and go to lesson 3 →Nobody says «I don't care what's happening to you». We say «hang in there 💪», «it's not a big deal» or «something worse happened to me».
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Eight disguises
- The adviser. Before the other person finishes, you already have the solution.
- The «it's not a big deal». «Chill, you'll get over it.»
- The «something worse happened to me». They start telling their story and you end up telling yours.
- The mind reader. «I know what's going on with you.» And you don't ask.
- The emoji. A heart, a «hang in there», and you go back to your stuff. You're there, but you're not.
- The joker. The moment gets serious and you cut it with a joke.
- The half-hearted good news. Things go well for your friend and you say «oh, nice» without looking up.
- The sponge. You carry everyone's problems until you feel bad yourself.
All eight do the same thing: they answer fast so they don't have to stay with what the other person feels.
Is it being there, or does it just look like it?
«Hang in there 💪» to a four-minute voice note.
Answer
Looks like it. A fast reply, but they didn't listen.
«Do you want ideas, or would you rather I listen?»
Answer
Being there. It asks what they need.
«Chill, it happens to everyone.»
Answer
Looks like it. It shrinks what they feel.
«That sounds awful. How are you doing with all of it?»
Answer
Being there. It names what happened and lets them talk.
A joke right when your friend got serious.
Answer
Looks like it. It cuts the moment they were about to share something.
Sitting quietly next to them for a while.
Answer
Being there. Being there counts too.
Sofía tells Teo there's a lot of fighting at home.
—You have to tell your parents it's affecting you —Teo says right away.
She goes quiet. Teo, to lighten things up, makes a joke. Then he tells her his parents fight too, and talks for ten minutes about himself.
Sofía never brings it up again. Teo wanted to help. In five minutes he used three disguises.
Your two disguises
1 · Mark the two you use most.
2 · A real example of each one, and what you could have said to be there.
Before you answer someone who's telling you something, ask a question.
Which disguise was hardest to recognize?
Why do we switch empathy off right when it's needed most?
Finish and go to lesson 3 →Nobody says «I don't care what's happening to you».
We say «it's not a big deal», «if I were you…» or «something worse happened to me».
Almost always with good intentions. And still, the other person ends up more alone than before.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Eight disguises
These are the most common. Most of us use two or three.
- The adviser. Before the other person finishes, you already have the solution. «What you need to do is…».
- The «it's not a big deal». You shrink what they feel: «relax, it'll pass», «some people have it worse».
- The «something worse happened to me». They start telling their story and you end up telling yours.
- The mind reader. «I know what's going on with you». And you answer what you think, not what they're living.
- The emoji. You answer fast, with a heart or a «hang in there», and go back to your thing. You're there, but you're not.
- The one who pulls away. Other people's pain makes you uncomfortable. You change the subject, stop calling, or disappear «so as not to bother».
- The half-hearted good news. Someone tells you something good and you say «nice» without looking up. Or you find the problem: «aren't you scared?».
- The sponge. You take everyone's pain home. You carry it until you have no strength left, and then you can't be there for anyone.
What they have in common
All eight put the center somewhere else: on your solution, your story, your discomfort or your hurry. The other person came to be heard, and ended up listening to you, or talking alone.
And the sponge is the trap the other way around: it gets so deep into the other person's pain that there's no room left to be there for them.
Is it being there, or does it just look like it?
Someone tells you they were fired.
«Ouch, that's a blow. How are you doing with it?»
Answer
Being there. It names what happened and leaves room for them to talk.
«Relax, everything happens for a reason.»
Answer
Looks like it. It sounds comforting, but it ends the conversation.
«If I were you, I'd sue that company.»
Answer
Looks like it. It's advice nobody asked for, and it's about you.
«I got fired twice, and look at me.»
Answer
It depends. If you say it so they don't feel alone and then go back to listening, it helps. If you keep talking about yourself, it doesn't.
«Tell me what happened.»
Answer
Being there. A simple invitation, no rush.
«Some people are much worse off.»
Answer
Looks like it. It compares their pain with someone else's, and makes it smaller.
«I don't know what to say, but I'm here.»
Answer
Being there. You don't need the perfect words.
«Do you want ideas, or would you rather I just listen?»
Answer
Being there. It asks what they need instead of guessing.
Being there isn't having the answer. It's letting the other person talk.
On the coffee break, Omar tells Mara that his dad has been in the hospital since Saturday.
—Which one? —asks Mara—. Oh no, the care there is terrible. You have to move him. When my dad was sick it was so much worse: three weeks, and nobody told us anything. I'll give you the number of a great doctor.
Omar nods. He thanks her. He goes back to his desk.
Mara feels like she helped. Omar is left thinking he never got to say what he really wanted to say: that he's scared.
Mara used three disguises in one minute: the adviser, the «something worse happened to me» and the mind reader. All with good intentions. What was missing was one question: «And how are you doing?».
Your two disguises
Step 1 · Choose. Of the eight disguises, mark the two you use most.
Step 2 · A real conversation for each one. Who was it with? What did they tell you? What did you answer?
Step 3 · Rewrite what you said. What could you have said to be there instead of just looking like it? For example: «If I were you, I'd quit» becomes «That sounds exhausting. What weighs on you the most?».
Step 4 · See the difference. What do you think that person would have told you if you had given them room?
The next time someone tells you something hard, don't give any advice until you've asked at least two questions.
Which disguise was hardest to recognize? Who did you learn it from?
If we're born with empathy, why doesn't it always come out?
In the next lesson you'll see why we switch it off without noticing: because of the pain, the cost, or because the person isn't «one of ours». And why imagining what someone feels fails more than you think.
Finish and go to lesson 3 →Lesson 2 of 10.
Great start.
To take with youWhen someone tells you something, ask them a question before you talk about yourself.
To take with youBefore you answer someone who's telling you something, ask a question.
To take with youThe next time someone tells you something hard, don't give any advice until you've asked at least two questions.
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