Switch your antennas on 📡
What do I do when someone is sad? · 8 min
Tools for the moment
What do I do when someone is struggling? · 10 min
Tools for the moment
What do I do when someone is struggling? · 15 min
Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.
Did you know you can switch your antennas on whenever you want?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
The four steps
- 👀 Look at their face.
- ❓ Ask: «Are you okay?». And if they say «yes» with a sad face, ask again: «Really?».
- 👂 Listen without interrupting.
- 🤗 Stay: stay by their side, give them a hug if they want one, or invite them to play.
Blow up three balloons together with the circle, to calm down before you ask.
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
Teo comes home from school quiet, with his head down.
What do you do?
«Teo, look at my drawing!»
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. 😣 Teo goes to his room.
You look at his face and ask: «Teo, are you okay?». He says «yes». You ask again: «Really?».
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. 🙂 Teo tells you about the team. You give him your drawing to cheer him up.
Lía remembers what she heard that night. She knocks on Teo's door.
—Can I come in? Are you sad about the team?
Teo says yes. Lía doesn't know what to say. So she sits next to him. After a while, Teo says: «Thanks, Lía».
She didn't need to say anything. Just be there.
Practice the four steps
The adult makes a face and the child does the four steps: look, ask, listen and stay.
Use the four steps once.
Which step is hardest for you?
What do you do when what someone tells you is very big?
Finish and go to lesson 7 →«I'm fine» is the most repeated lie in the world. And almost nobody asks twice.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- Look: their face, their voice, whether they're quieter than usual.
- Name what you see: «You seem quiet».
- Ask again: «Really fine?».
- Listen without fixing: you don't need to have the answer.
- Ask what they need: «Do you want ideas, or for me to listen?». (Eyal et al., 2018)
- Call instead of texting: a voice shows what text hides. (Kraus, 2017)
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
It's Thursday morning. You see the notification for Dani's voice note, from two in the morning.
What do you do?
«Hang in there, bro 💪.»
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. Dani leaves it on read.
You save it to listen to later.
If you choose this one
Stays the same. The day goes by and you forget.
You listen to all of it on the bus and write: «I heard your voice note. Can we meet at recess?».
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. At recess, Dani tells you everything. At the end he says: «I thought nobody cared».
What worked: Listening to all of it and finding him in person changed everything. There's almost always a second chance.
Teo remembers his mom's call with his aunt. At dinner, he leaves his phone in his room.
—Mom, how are you really doing with the work thing?
She goes quiet. Then she tells him. Teo doesn't have any solution. He just listens.
At the end, she says: «Thanks for asking. I didn't know you'd noticed».
Your emergency phrases
1 · Who is it hardest for you to be there for?
2 · Choose three phrases.
Use one of your phrases with someone.
What happened when you asked twice?
How to be there without running out of strength. And what to do when a secret is too big.
Finish and go to lesson 7 →Sources for this lesson
- Eyal, T., Steffel, M. and Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(4), 547–571. View source: Eyal, T., Steffel, M. and Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(4), 547–571.
- Kraus, M. W. (2017). Voice-only communication enhances empathic accuracy. American Psychologist, 72(7), 644–654. View source: Kraus, M. W. (2017). Voice-only communication enhances empathic accuracy. American Psychologist, 72(7), 644–654.
You don't need the perfect words.
Almost nobody remembers what they were told at their worst moment. What they remember is who was there.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- Tool 1
Look
Before you speak, look: the face, the tone, what isn't said. A quick «I'm fine», a smile that doesn't reach the eyes, someone who suddenly stops texting.
To look, you have to be there. If your phone is in your hand, put it away.
- Tool 2
Name what you see
Instead of assuming, say what you notice, without diagnosing: «You look tired. Is something going on?», «You're quieter today. Everything okay?».
Naming doesn't force anyone to talk. It just shows them you noticed.
- Tool 3
Ask, and ask again
The first answer is almost always «fine». The second question is the one that opens the door: «Really fine?».
And when they start talking, ask follow-up questions: «And then what happened?», «How did you feel?». In a study of real conversations, people who asked more questions, especially follow-ups, were liked more. And almost nobody expected it. (Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson and Gino, 2017)
- Tool 4
Listen without fixing
First understand. Then, if they ask, help.
While the other person talks, don't prepare your answer, don't look for your own similar story and don't have the solution ready. Just listen. Silences are fine.
- Tool 5
Ask what they need
Not everyone needs the same thing. Ask: «Do you want me to listen, help you find a way out, or take your mind off it for a while?».
It's the same question the man in the compass asked: «What do you want me to do for you?».
- Tool 6
Call instead of texting
A message is quick. But a voice says things text hides: tiredness, fear, relief.
In five experiments, people who only heard someone's voice understood their emotions as well as, or better than, people who could also see them. (Kraus, 2017) And in another study, hearing someone who thought differently made them seem more reasonable than reading exactly the same words. (Schroeder, Kardas and Epley, 2017)
When it matters, call.
One minute to look inward.
Choose what to answer. There's no score: it's a rehearsal.
Two weeks after lesson 2. Omar comes to work with red eyes. Mara asks how his dad is doing.
Omar: «Fine, fine. All good.»
What do you say?
«Good. Hey, did you see the boss's email?»
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. Omar nods and goes to his desk. The conversation ended before it started.
«Hang in there, it'll all be fine.»
If you choose this one
Stays the same. Omar smiles politely. He keeps what he didn't say.
«Really fine? You look tired.»
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Omar goes quiet for a second. «Honestly, no. They're operating on Thursday.»
Omar: «I don't know if it'll go well. My sister can't come and I'm handling everything alone.»
What do you say?
«Relax, the doctors know what they're doing. My uncle had the same surgery and he's perfect.»
If you choose this one
Tension goes up. Omar says «yeah, sure». He closes up.
«That must be scary. What worries you the most?»
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Omar talks for ten minutes. At the end he says: «Thanks. Nobody had asked me».
«Do you want me to listen, or is there something specific I can help with?»
If you choose this one
Tension goes down. Omar thinks. «Could you cover for me at the meeting on Thursday?» Now you know what to do.
What worked: What worked: you asked twice, named what you saw, didn't give advice nobody asked for, and asked what he needed. Mara got a second chance with Omar. There almost always is one.
After that Tuesday, Sam calls Tita. This time, he puts his phone away.
—How are you, mom?
—Fine, fine.
—Really fine? My sister told me about the tests.
Silence.
—I got a little scared —says Tita—. I didn't want to worry you.
—Tell me. I have time.
They talk for half an hour. At the end, Sam asks: «Do you want me to go with you on the day of the tests?». Tita says there's no need. After a while she says: «Well, yes. I'd like that».
Your emergency phrases
Step 1 · Your moments. Who is it hardest for you to be there for?
Step 2 · Choose three phrases for those moments.
Step 3 · Say them out loud, three times each. «I don't know what to say, but I'm here» works almost always: it takes away the pressure of having the answer.
Step 4 · Rehearse. Think of the next hard conversation you know you'll have. Which phrase will you use?
Call someone you usually only text. Ask how they are, and ask again.
Which tool was hardest to use? What happened when you used it?
Being there for others is tiring. And some people are there for everyone until they have no strength left.
In the next lesson you'll learn to be there without drowning. And you'll discover something almost nobody thinks of as empathy: being truly happy when things go well for someone.
Finish and go to lesson 7 →Sources for this lesson
- Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J. and Gino, F. (2017). It doesn't hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452. View source: Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J. and Gino, F. (2017). It doesn't hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452.
- Kraus, M. W. (2017). Voice-only communication enhances empathic accuracy. American Psychologist, 72(7), 644–654. View source: Kraus, M. W. (2017). Voice-only communication enhances empathic accuracy. American Psychologist, 72(7), 644–654.
- Schroeder, J., Kardas, M. and Epley, N. (2017). The humanizing voice: Speech reveals, and text conceals, a more thoughtful mind in the midst of disagreement. Psychological Science, 28(12), 1745–1762. View source: Schroeder, J., Kardas, M. and Epley, N. (2017). The humanizing voice: Speech reveals, and text conceals, a more thoughtful mind in the midst of disagreement. Psychological Science, 28(12), 1745–1762.
Lesson 6 of 10.
You're doing well.
To take with youUse the four steps once.
To take with youUse one of your phrases with someone.
To take with youCall someone you usually only text. Ask how they are, and ask again.
What you write and your progress are saved only on this device. When you finish the lesson we add 1 to the total, without knowing who you are.