If the bug is the boss 🌧️
What happens if the bug decides for me? · 8 min
What it costs
What do I lose if I don't handle it? · 12 min
What it costs
What do I lose if I don't handle it? · 15 min
Each age has its own progress. People of the same age share this space and its logbook in this browser.
Saying “it's ugly” once seems like a small thing. What if the bug keeps being the boss?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Lía's story
Case 1The medal
At the school drawing contest, Sara, a classmate, wins the medal.
Illustrative case. The characters and events are made up. The pattern is based on evidence.
Where would you have changed course? Pick the panel where you would have done something different.
- The contest
At the school drawing contest, Sara, a classmate, wins the medal. Lía says: "Her mom must have helped her."
What could have been done here
Tell Sara: "Congratulations!"
- The next day
Lía tells other kids that Sara's mom helped her. Sara hears it and gets sad.
What could have been done here
Not repeat it. It wasn't true.
- A week later
Lía doesn't want to draw anymore: "I'll never draw like her."
What could have been done here
Think: "I can learn."
- A few days later
Lía goes up to Sara and asks: "Will you teach me to draw horses?" Sara is so happy. They draw together at break.
What could have been done here
What Lía did! Envy turned into something new to learn.
Any moment was a good moment to change course, even the last one. The best one is today.
The cost: A sad classmate and a few days without drawing.
What the data says: Some scientists saw that when we want what someone else can do, and we believe we can learn, we try harder. Good envy helps us grow! Source: van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. and Pieters, R. (2011). Why envy outperforms admiration. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(6), 784–795.
Today: If someone does something really well, ask them: "Will you teach me?"
When the bug is the boss, we lose things: a sad friend, wanting to draw. But when we listen to it, it gives us something new to learn.
The scale ⚖️
On one side, “saying the other kid's thing is ugly”. On the other, “asking them to teach me”. Which one makes you feel better?
Tell someone something they do really well.
Has the bug ever made you say something that wasn't true?
Stories of a man who never competed.
Finish and go to lesson 5 →A sting lasts one second. What you do with it can last months.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
The timeline
Case 1The one who always wins
The coach posts the starting lineup.
Illustrative case. The characters and events are made up. The pattern is based on evidence.
Where would you have changed course? Pick the panel where you would have done something different.
- The day of the list
The coach posts the starting lineup. Dani is on it. Teo isn't. Teo tells the group: "The coach must like him better."
What could have been done here
Ask himself: "What do I want?" And congratulate Dani for real.
- A week later
Teo makes jokes about Dani's mistakes in the game. The group laughs. Dani laughs too, but goes quiet.
What could have been done here
Not make fun of him. Congratulate him on what he did well.
- A month later
Teo stops going to practice: "What for, if they'll never pick me?"
What could have been done here
Ask Dani to train together. Ask the coach what he needs to work on.
- Two months later
Dani tells Teo he feels alone on the team and misses training with him. Teo realizes he lost his friend and soccer at the same time.
What could have been done here
It's still possible: apologize, go back to practice, and ask Dani to teach him what he knows.
Any moment was a good moment to change course, even the last one. The best one is today.
The cost: A friend and a dream, because he couldn't be happy for someone else.
What the data says: In four studies, the envy that makes you want to improve made people try harder and do better, even more than plain admiration. But only when they believed they could improve. When they thought it was impossible, they gave up. Source: van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. and Pieters, R. (2011). Why envy outperforms admiration. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(6), 784–795.
Today: If a friend is doing well at something you want, ask them to teach you.
Envy almost never destroys something in one blow. It wears it down: a joke, a silence, a “what's the point”.
And the saddest part: Teo didn't lose soccer because Dani was better. He lost it because he stopped going.
The tally
Step 1 · How much time a week do you spend looking at what others have?
Step 2 · Is there a friendship envy has cooled?
Step 3 · Did you quit something you liked because “someone else does it better”?
Step 4 · If you could get back just one of those things, which would it be? One small action.
Tell someone you admire something specific they do well.
What has envy cost you most?
Very old stories about someone who never competed.
Finish and go to lesson 5 →A sting lasts one second.
What we do with it can last years.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
The timeline
Case 1The promotion
Omar gets the job Mara wanted.
Illustrative case. The characters and events are made up. The pattern is based on evidence.
Where would you have changed course? Pick the panel where you would have done something different.
- The day it's announced
Omar gets the job Mara wanted. She congratulates him with a forced smile. Later she tells a coworker: "He must be friends with the boss."
What could have been done here
Ask herself: "What is it that I want?" And congratulate him for real.
- A month later
Mara stops passing information to Omar. In meetings, she points out every mistake he makes in front of everyone.
What could have been done here
Work with him. His success didn't take anything away from her.
- Three months later
The team splits between those who back Mara and those who back Omar. An important project goes badly. The boss tells Mara that, for the next opening, he's looking for someone who can work as part of a team.
What could have been done here
Talk with Omar. Ask for help. Make a plan for her own growth.
- Six months later
Mara finds out that Omar studied at night for two years while taking care of his sick father. That day, Omar offers to help her prepare for the next opening.
What could have been done here
It's still possible. Apologize to him, accept his help and make her own plan.
Any moment was a good moment to change course, even the last one. The best one is today.
The cost: A year of bitterness, a divided team and a lost chance to learn from someone who had a lot to teach her.
What the data says: In three countries, people described two different kinds of envy: one that makes you want to improve yourself, and one that makes you want the other person to do worse. The second one doesn't bring us closer to what we want: it only hurts the other person, and us. Source: van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. and Pieters, R. (2009). Leveling up and down: The experiences of benign and malicious envy. Emotion, 9(3), 419–429.
Today: If someone is doing well at what you want, ask yourself: "What would I do to get there?"
At work
A study in a hospital and another with student teams found that envy led people to undermine coworkers: not passing on information, speaking badly of them, leaving them on their own. It happened more when people felt little part of the team, and in groups where that was normal. (Duffy et al., 2012)
Mara didn't become a bad person. Step by step, she convinced herself that Omar didn't deserve it. And that gave her permission to do things she wouldn't have done before.
In your health
Envy that keeps going round in your head wears you down. In the study of 18,000 adults, those who felt more envy had worse mental health years later. (Mujcic & Oswald, 2018)
In your wallet
With the same income, people whose neighbors earned more felt less happy. (Luttmer, 2005) Comparing ourselves to the people next door makes us feel poorer even when we aren't. And sometimes it leads us to spend what we don't have so we don't fall behind.
In what we don't see
Mara never knew, until the end, what it had cost Omar to get there. Envy looks at the other person's result. It almost never sees the path.
The cost of comparison
Step 1 · The hours. How much time a week do you spend looking at what others have or do? Make an honest count.
Step 2 · Relationships. Is there a relationship envy has cooled? A friend you stopped writing to, a sibling you compete with, a coworker you don't help.
Step 3 · Money. Did you buy something so you wouldn't fall behind? Something you didn't really want that much?
Step 4 · Opportunities. Did you stop trying something because “I'll never be like them”?
Step 5 · One question. If you could get back just one of those things, which would it be? Write a small action to start.
Tell someone you admire something specific they do well. Not “you're great”, but “I love how you explain hard things”.
What has envy cost you most: time, money, relationships or opportunities?
So far you've seen what envy is, how it disguises itself, where it comes from and what it costs.
In the next lesson you'll see the opposite: how someone acts who never competes, who celebrates the one who arrived late and goes out to find the one left outside.
Finish and go to lesson 5 →Sources for this lesson
- Duffy, M. K., Scott, K. L., Shaw, J. D., Tepper, B. J. & Aquino, K. (2012). A social context model of envy and social undermining. Academy of Management Journal, 55(3), 643–666. View source: Duffy, M. K., Scott, K. L., Shaw, J. D., Tepper, B. J. & Aquino, K. (2012). A social context model of envy and social undermining. Academy of Management Journal, 55(3), 643–666.
- Mujcic, R. & Oswald, A. J. (2018). Is envy harmful to a society's psychological health and wellbeing? Social Science & Medicine, 198, 103–111. Find reference: Mujcic, R. & Oswald, A. J. (2018). Is envy harmful to a society's psychological health and wellbeing? Social Science & Medicine, 198, 103–111.
- Luttmer, E. F. P. (2005). Neighbors as negatives: Relative earnings and well-being. Quarterly Journal of Economics, 120(3), 963–1002. View source: Luttmer, E. F. P. (2005). Neighbors as negatives: Relative earnings and well-being. Quarterly Journal of Economics, 120(3), 963–1002.
Lesson 4 of 10.
You're doing well.
To take with youTell someone something they do really well.
To take with youTell someone you admire something specific they do well.
To take with youTell someone you admire something specific they do well. Not “you're great”, but “I love how you explain hard things”.
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