The mirror 🪞
Does the little green bug bite me? · 8 min
The mirror
Does this happen to me? · 10 min
The mirror
Does this happen to me? · 15 min
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Has another kid ever gotten something you really, really wanted? What did you feel in your tummy?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Sometimes, when someone has something we want, a little green bug bites us inside. It feels yucky: a tight tummy, a hot face, wanting to say “that's ugly!”.
That bug is called envy. It bites all of us. Even grown-ups.
You're not bad for feeling it. The bug is just telling you: “I like that.” What matters is what you do next.
Your mirror
The adult reads each sentence out loud and the child chooses.
Dani got the toy Lía wanted. He brings it to recess.
“It's ugly,” says Lía.
But it isn't ugly. Lía loves it. The little green bug spoke for her.
Draw your bug ✏️
Draw what you imagine your little green bug looks like. Is it big or tiny? What face does it have? What does it say when it bites?
Then give it a name.
Today you're a detective 🔍. When you feel the bug, say in your head: “I see you.”
When was the last time the bug bit you?
The bug wears disguises. Let's find them!
Finish and go to lesson 2 →Think about the last time a friend told you something good: they made the team, they aced a test, someone texted them.
What did you feel first, one second before saying “nice”?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
Envy is the sting you feel when someone else has something you want. Almost nobody says it out loud. But we all feel it.
It doesn't make you a bad person. It's a signal of what you want.
There are two kinds of envy (van de Ven et al., 2009):
- The one that pushes you: “I want to learn to do that.”
- The one that wants the other person to go down: “The coach must like him better.”
They start the same way. What changes is what you do next.
Before the mirror
Answer thinking about what you felt and did this month, not how you'd like to be.
Your mirror
The coach posts the starting lineup. Dani's on it. Teo isn't.
“Congrats!” Teo tells him.
That night, in the class group chat, Teo writes: “The coach must like him better.”
Teo doesn't hate Dani. They've been friends since primary school. But Teo wanted to be on that list too, and he didn't say that. He said something else.
The map of your comparisons
Step 1 · Think of three people you envied recently: friends, siblings, classmates, people you follow online.
Step 2 · For each one, answer. If you don't want to write, just choose.
Step 3 · Does anything repeat?
Step 4 · Finish the sentence.
Notice just one time when you compare yourself to someone. Just notice.
What was hardest to admit?
Envy wears disguises: a joke, “I don't care”, “it's not fair”. In the next lesson you'll discover its disguises.
Finish and go to lesson 2 →Sources for this lesson
- van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. & Pieters, R. (2009). Leveling up and down: The experiences of benign and malicious envy. Emotion, 9(3), 419–429. View source: van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. & Pieters, R. (2009). Leveling up and down: The experiences of benign and malicious envy. Emotion, 9(3), 419–429.
Think about the last time someone told you good news. A promotion, a trip, a house, a baby, an award.
What did you feel first? Not what you said. What you felt one second before saying “that's great!”.
If it was a sting, you're not alone. That's what this route is about.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
What envy is
Envy is the pain we feel when someone else has something we want. It could be an achievement, a thing, a relationship, other people's recognition or a life that looks easier. (Smith & Kim, 2007)
It's one of the emotions we admit least. We say “I'm tired”, “I don't like them” or “it's not fair”. We almost never say “I'm envious”.
And yet we all feel it. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's a signal that there's something you want.
Two kinds of envy
In studies in several countries, people described two different experiences. (van de Ven, Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2009)
- The envy that pushes you up: “I want to learn to do that.” It makes you want to improve.
- The envy that wants the other person to go down: “They must have had connections.” It makes you want them to do worse.
Both start the same way: with the sting. What changes is what you do next. This route is about learning to choose.
A warning before the mirror
Envy hides very well, even from ourselves. So in the mirror that's coming, don't answer thinking about how you'd like to be. Answer thinking about what you felt and did this past month.
Your mirror
Sam and Mara are driving home after dinner with Omar. At dinner, Omar told them he's buying a house.
“That's great!” Sam said. “You deserve it.”
In the car, Sam drives in silence. After a while he says:
“With what he earns, his parents must have helped him.”
“Maybe,” says Mara. “Why do you say that?”
“No reason.”
Sam isn't angry at Omar. Omar has been his friend for fifteen years. The thing is, Sam wants a house too, and he feels behind. But he didn't say that. He said something else.
Envy almost never says its name. It speaks for us, in small sentences that sound like comments.
The map of your comparisons
Find a quiet place.
Step 1 · Remember. Think of three people you envied recently. They can be close or far: a friend, a sibling, someone at work, someone you follow online.
Step 2 · Write. For each one, answer:
Step 3 · Look at all three together. Does anything repeat? We almost always envy people similar to us, in things that matter a lot to us. That's no coincidence: envy points right at what we want.
Step 4 · Finish the sentence.
You'll use it in lesson 3, when you learn to translate your envy.
Notice just one time when you compare yourself to someone.
You don't have to change anything. Just notice. Who was it? About what? Did it make you feel more or less?
What was hardest to admit in the mirror or in the map?
Envy almost never introduces itself by name. It disguises itself as criticism, silence, “I don't care” and even “it's not fair”.
In the next lesson you'll meet its eight disguises. And you'll find out which ones you use.
Finish and go to lesson 2 →Sources for this lesson
- Smith, R. H. & Kim, S. H. (2007). Comprehending envy. Psychological Bulletin, 133(1), 46–64. View source: Smith, R. H. & Kim, S. H. (2007). Comprehending envy. Psychological Bulletin, 133(1), 46–64.
- van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. & Pieters, R. (2009). Leveling up and down: The experiences of benign and malicious envy. Emotion, 9(3), 419–429. View source: van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M. & Pieters, R. (2009). Leveling up and down: The experiences of benign and malicious envy. Emotion, 9(3), 419–429.
Lesson 1 of 10.
Great start.
To take with youToday you're a detective 🔍. When you feel the bug, say in your head: “I see you.”
To take with youNotice just one time when you compare yourself to someone. Just notice.
To take with youNotice just one time when you compare yourself to someone.
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