If the glasses made you say something mean about someone, can it be fixed?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
- Yes, it can! With sorry in three steps: what I did · it was my fault · how can I fix it?
- If you told some gossip, tell the people you told: “It wasn't true.”
- With yourself too: if you tell yourself “I'm stupid”, change it to what someone who loves you would say: “You made a mistake, and you can try again.”
Real fix or not?
“Sorry for laughing at how you talk. Want to play?”
Answer
🙂 Real. It says sorry and invites them.
“Sorry, but you do talk funny.”
Answer
👓 No. The “but” erases the sorry.
Telling your friends: “What I said about Martina wasn't true.”
Answer
🙂 Real. You fix the gossip where it started.
“Sorry for laughing at how you talk,” says Lía. “How do you say ‘ball’ in your country?”
The boy smiles. And he teaches her three new words.
Sorry in three steps
With toys or by acting it out, practice saying sorry for judging someone.
If something mean about someone slips out today, fix it with the three steps.
Is there someone you owe a sorry for judging them?
Five tricky situations!
Finish and go to lesson 8 →A callout takes hours to spread through the school. The truth, if it comes, almost nobody sees.
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
If you judged wrongly
Admit it and apologize.
If you forwarded something false
Correct it in the same group, with the same force.
People can change
In a study with 230 teenagers, some were taught that people can change. A month later they were less aggressive and kinder than the others. (Yeager, Trzesniewski & Dweck, 2013)
The judge inside
Being kind to yourself when you make a mistake helps you improve. (Breines & Chen, 2012)
Real repair or halfway?
“Sorry if anyone felt bad.”
Answer
Halfway. It doesn't acknowledge anything.
“I forwarded the voice note without hearing all of it. I was wrong. Sorry, Martín.”
Answer
Real. It acknowledges what was done and why it was wrong.
“I only forwarded what everyone was sending.”
Answer
Halfway. Forwarding is saying too.
Correcting in the group what you said in the group.
Answer
Real. It repairs in the same place as the harm.
Teo writes in the group: “I laughed at Joaquín's photo without knowing him. It was wrong. Joaquín, sorry.”
Then, at break, he sits with him. “What music do you listen to?”
The pending correction
Step 1 · A judgment of yours that did harm.
Step 2 · A judgment about yourself: rewrite it the way a friend would say it.
If you hear a judgment about someone who isn't there, say: “I don't know that for sure.”
What was harder: repairing, or rewriting the judgment about yourself?
Five real-life situations, and what to do in each one.
Finish and go to lesson 8 →Sources for this lesson
- Yeager, D. S., Trzesniewski, K. H. & Dweck, C. S. (2013). An implicit theories of personality intervention reduces adolescent aggression in response to victimization and exclusion. Child Development, 84(3), 970–988. View source: Yeager, D. S., Trzesniewski, K. H. & Dweck, C. S. (2013). An implicit theories of personality intervention reduces adolescent aggression in response to victimization and exclusion. Child Development, 84(3), 970–988.
- Breines, J. G. & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143. View source: Breines, J. G. & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143.
A callout takes hours to spread through a city.
The correction, if it comes, almost nobody sees.
What can you do when the judgment has already left your mouth?
Thanks for sharing. You're not the only one.
If you judged someone wrongly
Admit it. Sometimes the person never found out what you thought, but it showed: in how you treated them, in what you didn't tell them, in who you didn't invite.
An apology that works has, above all, two parts: acknowledging what you did and offering to repair it. (Lewicki, Polin & Lount, 2016)
If you repeated something false
Correct it in the same place and with the same force you said it. If you said it in the building chat, the correction goes in the building chat. Not in private, not quietly.
It's uncomfortable. That's why almost nobody does it. And that's why it matters so much when someone does.
People can change
This may be the most important idea in the whole route.
In a study with 230 teenagers, some were taught that people can change: that nobody is “just like that” forever. A month later, those teens were less aggressive and kinder to others than those who didn't learn that idea. (Yeager, Trzesniewski & Dweck, 2013)
When you believe someone “is just like that, period”, it's easy to treat them as not worth the effort. When you believe they can change, you treat them differently. And that, often, is what helps them change.
The judge inside
There's one judge who never takes a vacation: the one that talks to you. “You're a mess”, “you never do anything right”.
Being kind to yourself when you make a mistake isn't letting yourself off the hook: it's what helps you improve most. (Breines & Chen, 2012) And people who learn to look at themselves with a little compassion tend to look at others that way too.
Real repair or halfway?
“Sorry if anyone felt bad about what I said.”
Answer
Halfway. It doesn't acknowledge anything.
“I said in the group that the neighbor was neglectful. I knew nothing about her life. I was wrong and I'm sorry.”
Answer
Real. It acknowledges what was done, where and why it was wrong.
“Well, I only repeated what everyone was saying.”
Answer
Halfway. Repeating is saying too.
Correcting in the chat what you said in the chat.
Answer
Real. It repairs in the same place as the harm.
Apologizing to the person in private, but leaving the message in the group.
Answer
Halfway. The apology doesn't reach where the harm reached.
“I judged you without knowing you. Will you tell me how you're doing?”
Answer
Real. It acknowledges and opens the door.
After learning the neighbor's story, Mara writes in the building chat:
“Months ago I wrote here that the lady on the second floor was neglectful. I knew nothing about her life: she worked nights and was caring for her mother on her own. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. If anyone can help her with anything, count me in.”
That afternoon she knocks on her door.
“I owe you an apology. And if you ever need anything with the kids, you can count on me.”
The neighbor is quiet for a moment. Then she invites her in.
The pending correction
Step 1 · Choose a judgment of yours that did harm. It can be something you said, something you shared or something that only showed in how you treated someone.
Step 2 · Write the repair.
Step 3 · The judge inside. Write a judgment you have about yourself (“I'm a mess”, “I never finish anything”). Rewrite it the way someone who loves you and knows you well would say it.
Step 4 · Decide whether you'll make the repair, when and how. There's a day for it in the 7-day practice.
If today you hear a judgment about someone who isn't there, say: “I don't know that for sure.” Nothing more.
What was harder: repairing a judgment about someone else or rewriting the one you have about yourself?
Now you have tools for the moment and for afterward. But life puts you in specific situations: the group chat, the viral video, the coworker who “does nothing”, something that really is wrong.
The next lesson is the most practical in the route. Five situations, and what to do in each one.
Finish and go to lesson 8 →Sources for this lesson
- Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B. & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196. View source: Lewicki, R. J., Polin, B. & Lount, R. B. (2016). An exploration of the structure of effective apologies. Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 9(2), 177–196.
- Yeager, D. S., Trzesniewski, K. H. & Dweck, C. S. (2013). An implicit theories of personality intervention reduces adolescent aggression in response to victimization and exclusion. Child Development, 84(3), 970–988. View source: Yeager, D. S., Trzesniewski, K. H. & Dweck, C. S. (2013). An implicit theories of personality intervention reduces adolescent aggression in response to victimization and exclusion. Child Development, 84(3), 970–988.
- Breines, J. G. & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143. View source: Breines, J. G. & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143.
Lesson 7 of 10.
You're doing well.
To take with youIf something mean about someone slips out today, fix it with the three steps.
To take with youIf you hear a judgment about someone who isn't there, say: “I don't know that for sure.”
To take with youIf today you hear a judgment about someone who isn't there, say: “I don't know that for sure.” Nothing more.
What you write and your progress are saved only on this device. When you finish the lesson we add 1 to the total, without knowing who you are.